Wordless Wednesday

Just by the by, all the pictures I post that look awesome were probably taken by Josh. All the others I probably took. I have my gifts, but genius in graphic arts isn't among them.

Elessar: 8 weeks

I would tend to guess that most folks might look at me and think "too much Taco Bell", but I know that's scarcely the case. No, my belly has officially popped out! Already... how big am I going to get this time?! Only time will tell.

Mother's Day Musings

Last year was my first Mother's Day with a child outside my body (the year before the Infanta still had three weeks to cook). I was also miscarrying, and knew it (though I hoped very much that I wasn't). So I think Mother's Day will always be tinged by the sadness of remembering a child that was not to be.

However, this year I'm almost eight weeks pregnant, with every sign, including morning sickness and an almost complete lack of knitting mojo, that this one's going to go all the way. I'm even starting to show! (Although if you didn't know me well you might just think I've had too many sodas; I'll try to get a picture up in the next couple of days.) After so many losses in the last year, I'm still anxious about whether Elessar will stay with us, but I'm cautiously excited that I'll have a new baby by the year's end. Mostly right now I'm just tired and sick (I have a cold on top of the morning sickness); those two don't leave much room for anything else between them.

Wordless Wednesday

In the interest of soothing certain grandmotherly desires for more posts, I'm succumbing to a meme. :)

Introducing Elessar

At six weeks, she/he/it looks more like one of my earrings than anything else, but that should, I trust, improve with time.

Snapshots in time

I'm sitting playing a computer game while dinner cooks, and listening to L read to herself. She's sitting on her bed, paging through books we've read to her, narrating the stories, identifying animals when she knows them, and even making the right noise from time to time. We can always tell when she's reading her Thomas book, from the exclamations of "Thoma'" and "Moo! Moo!" (there's a cow on the tracks at one point that Thomas must wait for).

I dearly hope that she retains her sweet, intelligent charm as she grows older.

Notes from the Trenches: End of March Updates

How did it get to the end of the month already?! Oh, I know: chasing a busy toddler around.

For the year's goals:

1. How do I forget about this one? The Infanta has become a smidge less frustrating, though, so it's a little easier to appreciate her. More on that in a bit.

2. With A's help I made myself a nightie a couple of weeks ago! It's super comfy, and we're plotting a day to work on jammies for the girls - with, I hope, someone to watch the girls so we can concentrate on sewing.

3. Not much relaxation on the pregnancy issue here, but I'm at about three weeks on no soda. It's still not easy, and I don't really like that I've taken to coffee in the mornings, but I do feel better. I think. On the other hand, my cycle has been doing weird things for a few months, and I'm still trying to figure out what and why.

4. Not doing so great on the housework, but I have at least gotten to a place where I'll be in the kitchen waiting for something to cook, and will realize that I have a few minutes in which to, say, load the dishwasher. It's not consistent, but it does happen. Also, it's fairly easy to get frustrated and pick up the Infanta's bedroom (more on that below).

5. Again, not doing to great on this... but I at least think about it. Last week we had some truly gorgeous weather, and all three of us got out to enjoy it. I even got out to the garden, which I weeded, and then planted sugar peas and onions. I think I might still be sore from that... This week is promising to be stormy; March going out like a lion this year, so getting out will be problematic. Still, I'm thinking about it, and that's a start!

The Infanta is finally coming out of 18-21 month hell. She's sweet, cheerful, social, mischievous, and turning into a proper little geek. Around the beginning of this month I got tired of watching Thomas the Tank Engine all the time, and instead started watching the new Doctor Who series. As a result, the Infanta will ask to see "Thoma'?" as well as "Doctie?". But the we watched The Goblet of Fire the other night... and during the scene in which Barty Crouch Jr is unmasked, she was pointing at David Tennant on the screen and saying "Doctie? Doctie? Doctie!" One of my worst trials with her right now is that when she's playing with the Quiet One, she's more likely than not to pull hair and shove. So to deal with that and teach the Infanta that that's not acceptable while simultaneously not feeding the Quiet One's incipient dramatic tendencies is... a challenge.

Weaning is actually going surprisingly well, and thank you all for your supportive comments on the subject. It does help to know that you all are out there and caring! At the beginning of Josh's Spring Break we turned my office into the Infanta's bedroom. To all appearances so far, she loves having her own room, and will ask to go play in it (we have it gated off still). With the time change she began sleeping almost all night, and with her own room she's started sleeping all night! So I haven't had to worry about night weaning, the Infanta has done that herself. I had tried to drop our morning nursing session at first, and that wasn't going so well, but after a day on which she napped easily without nursing I decided to drop that session instead. So we're down to only bedtime and morning, which suits me fine. The Infanta does seem to have finally picked up that I deliberately stopped, as she's been asking to "nuss" more in the last couple of days, and is very eager when it is time, but she accepts more or less gracefully when I say no.

That's the highlights from the trenches right now.

Hard Choices

It's funny how writing things out makes them easier to cope with. Since I wrote my last post, I've been doing ok again.

But... I've come to a hard realization about nursing. I'd been saying that if I couldn't get a pregnancy to stick by the time the Infanta turns two, I would wean her... and it seems my subconscious has decided that I should wean her by then, anyway.

I'm pretty sure it's the right decision for myself, but I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about it. I didn't ever have a time I wanted to wean by, but always said at least two years, because of the WHO's recommendations (which say at least two years, and then as long as mother and child wish to continue). I figured I'd probably go longer than that... but it's looking like I won't now.

You see, I think the reason I'm having trouble staying pregnant is that for me, nursing is disrupting my hormonal balance just enough. Many, even most, women don't have that issue, but I think I do; I think I have low progesterone anyway, and nursing is disrupting that even more. And while I want to breastfeed the Infanta as long as I can, I also need to balance that with my desire for more children. She is certainly old enough that she doesn't *need* breast milk for nutrition, and she is well able to ask for (and receive) other kinds of nurturing.

On the other hand, nursing the one thing I can do for her that no one else can, and I find that that is a very big part of my identity as a mother. I have no doubts that I can shift its place - "I nursed her for two years" instead of "we're still nursing" - but it's not going to be painless. Nursing is a very special relationship, and once it's over, it's over. I don't want to nurse forever, but am I really ready to be done?

If I turn up pregnant, though, we're done, cold turkey.

Checking in about checking out

February was a difficult month for me. March looks like it's going to be harder.

There has been a lot going on; visits with friends and the Olympics to name a couple. A brought Baby J home, and we've spent a good deal of time hanging out, and I've gotten to enjoy her teeny sweetness a lot. A swears that Baby J needs me to hold her in order to poop, and so far we haven't seen anything to disprove that. (oh, darn, I have to snuggle the tiny one?) I also decided that for the sake of my own sanity, I needed to cut down how much the Infanta was nursing; she's down to about three times a day (plus whatever during the night, which has become usually not all that much), and has taken it pretty well. She still asks, but accepts when I say no, because it's not time.

The Infanta also dove straight into a huge developmental and physical growth leap in the last couple of weeks. Her clothes are getting short, and her language sophistication increases by the day. As the natural flip side, she's also become prone to ginormous tantrums, as incidents insignificant to us trigger huge emotions that she doesn't know how to cope with yet... not to mention the further development of her contrary side. (I wonder where she got that?) It's very difficult and frustrating for us to cope with, but nothing anyone who's parented a toddler hasn't dealt with. Still, it's new to us, and J and I are struggling to figure out our compromises in parenting style at the same time the Infanta's changing so rapidly.

Trouble is, I'm beginning to not do so well all on my lonesome. I was able to almost forget about the baby (babies) I should have been carrying for a little while, but I have become aware again, and the grief is triggering my depression. I've found myself dissociating a lot in the last few days, and beginning to lose interest in pursuits I'd been enjoying. It's like that last pregnancy was more real to me, because I was so aware of it and had it confirmed so clearly, and had allowed myself to hope... and then those hopes were dashed as I knew the moment I passed what baby there was. And now I know exactly how far along I'd be, because the due date would have been the same as the Infanta's... It's not that I'm dwelling on it. It's that I'm trying to go about my life, but it's reaching up and dragging me away from that life - I had gotten so far behind on dishes, for example, that I ran two loads today and still couldn't get them all. and I won't talk about how long some of this laundry's been waiting to be folded. But... I don't cry easily, not for myself, and had forgotten until a week and a half ago that I hadn't cried about this last miscarriage. At that time, I was able to squeeze out a little moisture, because I was at a memorial... and a couple of nights ago someone said something that made me tear up a little... but I still haven't *really* cried, and I can feel something like a tidal wave building up, and I don't know how to let it out.

Cuteness of the day

A, the Quiet One, and the new one are here for a few hours. Since they arrived at lunchtime, we all sat at the table and ate. The Infanta was in her high chair, but since we only have one, the Quiet One was bouncing around, doing things on a regular chair fit to give me a heart attack.

At almost the end of the meal, the Infanta (who been listening to a chorus of this the whole time) said, "Quiet One* sit down!" When the Quiet One sat(!), the Infanta followed with "Thank you!"

*Herself actually used the real name here.

Out and about

In pursuit of my resolution to get out of the house more, and in celebration of the recent occasionally nice weather, we've gotten to some fun places recently.

Here we are with the Quiet One* and her aunt and uncle at Gilbert House:

Gilbert House

Friday and today (Sunday) were gorgeous sunny days, and we ended up at the park with some of my knitting friends and their kids. For a change, I remembered my camera - again! That's three times in a week!

At the Park

* I've decided to call the Infanta's friend K by this pseudonym. She very quiet in comparison to the Infanta and the Hurricane, and it's also something of an homage to my younger brother, who maintained a cartoon involving a bunny with a sledgehammer and the caption "No one suspects the quiet ones!" on our refrigerator growing up. If you'd grown up with him, you'd keep an eye on the quiet ones, too!

Birth link

I haven't posted anything birthy in a while, but I saw this post today and thought, yes!!!

I've been thinking about the Infant's birth lately. I remember labor as not painless, but intense and overwhelming; there was pain, but it was the good feeling of muscles working hard. The one time I remember thinking "the e word"*, it wasn't because I hurt so badly, it was because the sensations were so overwhelming I was having trouble coping with them anymore. Because of my training, the small portion of my analytical brain that still worked at that point told me that that meant I was almost done. Also, my doula helped me let go, to surrender to the waves. I might have done it without her, but it wold have been tremendously more difficult!

Some women report feeling amazing empowerment after giving birth; I can't say that I did. I think perhaps that's because I don't generally feel disempowered. Birth was amazing, and wonderful, and I want to do it again, but I didn't have that "if I can do this, I can do anything" feeling so many women express.

Mothering a toddler - now that's giving me that feeling!

*epidural

Goal check-in

It's the end of the month, and I feel like checking in on the goals I made for myself for this year.

1. I'd like to think I'm doing a little better at actively appreciating the lovely people I live with. The Infanta is working very hard on some more of those developmental leaps (she's figuring out counting! at least, the beginning of it... and more words... and just today she's started actively playing with a baby doll...), so her sleep is very irregular, but I'm finding that if I slow down and just *be* with her, I don't get so frustrated. J has been his usual wonderful supportive self through the stresses of the last couple weeks, and I'm trying to show my appreciation; for example, I took Herself with me to knitting Saturday so that he could have an afternoon all by his lonesome for a change.

2. Well, I got a good start on this... I had promised a friend that I would make her a baby carrier, and I got it cut out and half-sewn... and then the friend that was helping me with toddler distraction went and had her baby 6 weeks early. So my momentum on that has yet again been derailed. But it's derailed in such a way that given a couple of hours, I can have the carrier pretty well done.

I've been thinking about further sewing projects, as well. I promised J that I would make him a kimono some time back... and while that's not going yet, it's definitely on my mind. I also decided that I want to make nightgowns for me and the Infanta, and went so far as to buy patterns for the purpose Saturday. Go me!

3. My last couple of cycles have been weirdly short, so I decided to start actively charting again. You could make a case that this isn't doing anything to relax about the pregnancy thing, but for me it is; it's something I can *do*, something that will let me see more of what's actually going on than just enduring the same symptoms every month which are so very much the same as very early pregnancy symptoms and which drive me and the people around me crazy with hope.

4. I'm not running dishes *every* night... but I'm not letting them pile up over my head, either. It feels good. It also feels good that the dining room table is clear enough to eat at whenever we feel like it, which we have been fairly often! Clear it and they will come, I guess. Alongside this refocusing on my domestic space, I've resolved to get back to cloth diapering.

5. There's been a fair amount of sunshine this last week, so the Infanta and I and sometimes other friends have been getting out and walking to nearby parks, playing for a while, and then walking home. I think it's good for both (all) of us.

Drinking game!

Because I can't do anything for my friend and client A, who's in the hospital right now dealing with preterm labor, I'm going to rough out a drinking game based on Thomas the Tank Engine.

Essentially, take a drink every time one of the following occurs: any of the characters exclaims (cinders and ashes, flatten my funnel, etc.); any time the words "useful" or "reliable" are mentioned; any time Sir Toppham Hatt is pompous. Following these guidelines, you should be nicely tipsy by the end of a single episode!

On a completely different note, all you Jane Austen nuts should go read this. Now. Swallow first, and if you don't, don't say I didn't warn you.

New Year, Old Frustrations

I don't like how long it's been since I last posted. For the five of you still paying attention, I apologize. It's not at all that I've had nothing to post; rather the issue is that I've had entirely too much I want to write about, and it gets overwhelming. Then there's the part where I don't have time, and on top of all that, I've been incredibly inarticulate of late.

Goals for this year:

1. Love my family, no matter how much hair they make me want to tear out. More than that, enjoy them! J is a really great guy, and I don't pay enough attention to him. The Infanta is in a frustrating stage, but she's a sweet-natured, bright, beautiful little girl, and it's easy to lose sight of that in the day-to-day (or the all-nighters).

2. Sew more.

3. Relax about getting pregnant again. (Much easier said than done!)

4. Get better at household maintenance - by which I mean trying to keep the floor more or less picked up, the table clear (for dining or for sewing, which will help with #2), the dishes done more or less daily, etc. It's so easy to slack a day, and then it's overwhelming. Speaking of which, I should go run dishes once this is posted.

5. Get outside! I spend entirely too much time sitting here, dinking on the lappy. The Infanta needs to get out and run more, and I would do better with more outside air as well.

Now to get on some of those chores, while J has the Infanta off at church with him!

For a good laugh

read this.

Passed Out

Or, what happens when it's naptime and you're stuck in the play pen while Mama's working in the kitchen and Daddy's taking a bath.

Babies!

I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and I may get around to posting about some of them sometime soon. Meanwhile, watch this:



It's the trailer for the forthcoming documentary Babies, which follows the first year of life of four babies in different parts of the world. Just this two-and-a-half minute trailer made me laugh and cry - and within the first few seconds, Josh had whipped around, wondering if it was Lina squealing!

Metablogging Musings

It's been almost two weeks since my last post. Some of that is because I'm travelling for the holiday, and preparations for travel ate a lot of my attention the week previous (and I'm not home until Tuesday - until then I'm still in California, visiting my mom).

But that's not all it is. It's also that there are enough people who read this blog now (or at least check in from time to time) that I don't feel comfortable being quite as candid here as I have at times in the past. I've done and experienced things that I want to write about, that I need to write about to help process them, that aren't things I can tell just anybody. Some of them I can't tell almost anybody, for reasons of confidentiality.

Also, I've just plain had so much going on recently that I haven't had brain space to look at it enough to write about it...

Enough with the excuses. I'm not giving up blogging, by any means. It's an important outlet for me, and an important part of documenting my and the Infanta's lives.

Speaking of the Infanta: about to hit eighteen months, she's just exploding in development. Talking, processing, playing... it's been huge just in the last week. Mom looked up at her on my lap this evening, and said that she (my Mom) thinks she (the Infanta) looks older than she did when we got here. I teased her and said "yeah, a whole week older", but I think it's true; she's changing mentally so rapidly, it's no wonder that she's showing changes on the surface, too.

It's late, and time to go to bed to rest for another day of solo parenting. How do full-time single parents do it?!

Give me my ink!

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo lately. I want a permanent mark on my body to echo the permanent mark on my psyche left by the babies I won't ever hold. I'm now about six weeks from the EDD of the baby I lost in May, and it's really been hitting me hard that I might have had a Christmas baby; I don't expect to have a very happy holiday.

Anyway, The Unnecesarean ran a post yesterday about anesthesiologists being hesitant to place epidurals in women with lower back tattoos (the placement I've been envisioning for mine). Given that I don't ever want an epidural, bring on the ink!

Secret Ingredient Soup

We've been watching Kung Fu Panda a LOT lately, and it always makes us hungry. So, during one of last night's viewings (yes, that plural is deliberate), I decided to make some Chinese noodle soup for dinner. You will probably not be surprised to learn that the only ingredients I needed to buy to make this recipe were chicken, green onions, and napa cabbage.

Oh, and I doubt anyone will be surprised to learn that I omitted the chili sauce and cilantro.

Halloween 2009

The Infanta and I attended a toddler and parent Halloween party (including trick-or-treating). I can't take credit for the photos; the camera was still in the basket when Bethany walked in and asked if she could use it. Since she's a far more active photographer than I, I happily acquiesced.

The Infanta, of course, is in the red dress, as a sort of Renaissance Toddler. The Hurricane is in the fuzzy green as a frog, but she would be quick to tell you that she has the red checked shirt of her HORSE costume on beneath. The little girl in black (she decided she was a Wild Thing) is one of the girls' friends; we were at her house. The rest of the cast is rounded out by assorted fathers, and finally, by yours truly.

Bliss...

...is in short supply around here lately, so I'm leaping on it where I find it. For example, tonight's dinner.

My tummy decided against the salmon (broiled 10 minutes each side, coated with a paste of mayonnaise and lemon juice), but the taters are right on. I found this recipe a couple of weeks ago in my Italian cookbook: it's for chicken and potatoes. Basically you prepare chicken pieces and potatoes for roasting, then pour over them a mix of a couple tablespoons each of olive oil and lemon juice, a good amount (maybe a tablespoon) of rosemary, salt and pepper to taste, then roast at 350 til done (around 40 min). The meat is okay.. I've tried it with salmon, too. The potatoes, on the other hand, turn out divine! They soak up the lemon juice, and... oh, you have to try them to understand. Tonight I did the taters just alone with the ..sauce?, and it's just what the midwife ordered. Mashed up in a big heap on my plate with lots of butter... yum.

More niftiness

I do have meatier posts in mind, but this week I've kind of been letting gravity have its way with me.

Too Big For My Skin

Via Rixa.

Finally, an answer.

I'm not ready to write extensively about this right now - for one thing I'm just too physically tired - but I want to get a post on this out into the ether.

Yes, I have miscarried, again.

Four very rough weeks of couch rest, uncertainty, and bleeding later, the answer is that I was indeed pregnant, and I am indeed no longer so.

I don't know right now whether or not I will write more about this in the future; I probably will, but right now I want to focus more on resting, healing (body and soul), and enjoying my beautiful daughter than on the grief of four lost pregnancies in five months.

My friends, I love you all very much, and appreciate the support you have given me in the last few weeks.

Irony

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day, and the irony is that I'm in too much pain right now to talk about either my pain or the irony.

Man in labor?!

Much is up in the air, and so I don't want to post any updates before I have solid knowledge (rather than unhappy suppositions). But y'all deserve a post, so watch this:



Please note: the suggested coping mechanisms do in fact help in actual labor, since the pain of labor is related to specific work and baby position, rather than just to muscular contractions. Still, this is an amusing watch.

Words

This morning our older cat Eevie is complaining loudly about a distinct lack of breakfast. The result? The Infanta can now say "meow"!

Updates

So, I imagine you're all wondering what the whole bedrest thing is about. Yes, I'm still under orders to rest as much as possible; not technically bedrest, but I can really tell the difference in the way I feel between sitting and lying down.

So anyway, here's the deal: I'm currently pregnant. The problem is that I've been having a lot of spotting, to the point that it's a "threatened miscarriage". The way I've been feeling I think the bean is likely to stick, but it's not sure yet, and besides, my feeling may just be wishful thinking. But the morning sickness is real, and so are the food aversions, the heightened sense of smell, and the tender belly.

The part that really sucks is that as part of this rest cure I'm not allowed to lift more than 20 pounds - and since the Infanta is just about exactly that weight, I can only lift or carry her in brief and urgent moments. Also, trying to rest with a sick toddler is nigh impossible...

So that's what's up with me. I will post updates as they're available.

I Love My Friends

I've put myself on bedrest for the last few days; my body has given notice that I need to STOP for a bit, so I'm doing my best. Trouble is... bedrest is nigh impossible with a 16 month old. So, I've ended up leaning on some wonderful people to help wrangle the Infanta so that I don't have to be up and down chasing her all day. Sunday Josh managed her, despite his lingering nasty cold. Yesterday I called my friend Amber, whose daughter is about a month older than the Infanta; they came and spent a mellow afternoon. It helps that the girls play well together (as much as babies their age are capable of it). Today my friend Katie came over, bringing her boys. Katie rocked my world. She came over with the intent of not only keeping me company and distracting the Infanta, but also of cleaning the house. And clean she did! The instant she walked in, she started picking up toys (which the kids naturally promptly started taking out again). She moved from there to clearing the dining room table, and thence to starting a load of dishes. She paused a bit there to watch part of a movie and knit a bit, but then she hopped up again, picked the toys up, and vacuumed. Then she did another load of dishes, following that up with cleaning assorted counter clutter. Then, as she left, she remarked that she was lazy today! Because, you see, she'd intended to do laundry as well, and didn't get to it!

Tomorrow Josh will be home again, taking care of his cold, and incidentally wrangling Herself. I'm hoping that I won't need the help much past this week, that this rest will be enough to ease my troubles; I have seen signs that I may be healing as I hoped, but I certainly don't want to jeopardize that healing by taking too much on again too soon.

Salmon my savior

Following last night's pumpkin mac disaster, I pulled a piece of salmon out of the freezer and made this. It took a great deal longer than it should have (twice the recommended cooking time, grr..) because I didn't pull the fish out to defrost early enough, and it went into the oven still partially frozen. Still, once it was finally done, it was delicious! I threw together some garlic rosemary potatoes on the fly to round out the meal... they also took a bit longer to cook than I'd hoped, but potatoes seem always to do so for me.

Josh, thank you for putting up with my occasionally ..experimental cooking. I love you.

How to make Pumpkin Mac

1) Decide to have chili mac for dinner, so ask husband to get chili out of the freezer. This step is key.

2) Start defrosting the container you assume contains chili.

3) Begin making mac & cheese as usual (yes, it's out of a box. sue me.)

4) Upon reaching the stage of adding the chili, dump the contents of the freezer container without ever seeing what they actually are.

5) Realize the mix-up when what you've dumped into the pasta HAS NO BEANS.

6) Go for broke and add the sorts of spices you'd add to any pumpkin or squash dish.

I think it's actually quite edible, even though it's not at all what I had in mind. Since Josh dislikes winter squash he's not so happy, though... I think I owe him a salmon dinner tomorrow night!

Girl meets Box

I looked up this morning to see the Infanta squeezed into a box, so I reached for my camera. I didn't catch her sitting down again, but she sure is cute anyway...

Labor Song

Breakfast for Dinner

Although stuffed on eggs and polenta, the Infanta apparently can't eat too much bacon. Definitely her father's daughter!

Threefer Thursday

1) I got to check the inside of the Infanta's mouth this afternoon, and three more molars are peeking through. It's just one point each so far, but they're there. She also has at least one canine trying to make it in... That's everything but her second year molars making an appearance, and she's still short an incisor. I'm beginning to wonder vaguely if I should be concerned. But only vaguely.

2) I have three client meetings in three days this week! Makes me feel like a real doula or something. One's a postpartum visit, one's mostly a formality with a mom that (re)hired me in February (the instant she got the positive test, basically), and only one's a new client... but still! Business! It's awesome!

3) Did you know that I tweet? (In case you didn't know, that's the commonly accepted present tense for the verb to Twitter.) I succumbed a few months back when I discovered that the Yarn Harlot tweets... and I'm hooked. *sigh* Anyway, if you don't get a Twitter feed yourself, you can follow my random thoughts over on the sidebar. It's currently stuck a ways down, but I'll move it higher at some point.

Leaps and Bounds

The Infanta's communication ability is growing daily - even hourly, sometimes. Her three signs count for five words - "all done", "nurse"/"out", "more"/"food". She can say "cat", "dada", "mama", and another I'll mention later, and babbles in very sophisticated-seeming ways. She nods "yes" and shakes her head "no", and will respond appropriately to some surprisingly complex questions. During mealtimes, she'll often reach for whatever's on the fork, but if we say "let Mama (Daddy) do it", she'll put her hands down and let us feed her (usually).

This afternoon, she asked to be put in the play pen. She did it with signs and gestures, but when I asked if that was what she was saying, she nodded emphatically. When I set her in, she settled down happily to play.

Her current favorite word, though? "No!"

It sneaks up on you

All this month so far, I keep thinking randomly: "I should have been five months pregnant." I didn't think I would still be hurting this much at this point. I know I will never be 'done' grieving, but I didn't think it would still feel this fresh. What will New Year's bring? That would have been my due date.

Took a moment..

When I saw this post on my reader, I thought it must be pointing to one of the birth blogs I follow, not a gardening blog.

This'n'that

It was a long, hard week last week. The coming weeks don't look like they'll be much better, in some ways; easier in others, I hope.

In no particular order:

A mom I know is in the process of losing her baby at 26-27 weeks. I'm not close friends with her, but it's agonizing to watch even at this remove.

Josh and I had a humdinger of a fight. It's more or less resolved now, but wasn't fun while it lasted.

I've started the process of night weaning the Infanta, partly in preparation for moving her out of our bedroom. It's not going so well, partly because I'm having a really hard time with how hard she cries (and how firmly she refuses to sleep) when she doesn't nurse as long as usual overnight. She usually only wakes me a couple of times during the hours I'm trying to wean, but that's not the point. This is one of the things I don't see getting more fun anytime soon.

And then today I discovered that the fall changes to the bus routes not only meant that one of the buses I use frequently is no longer free, but they also cut significant portions of the service to our side of town. On the one hand, this is going to be rough on our already very limited budget, not to mention that it means that I can basically only go downtown from home, not at all to pretty much anywhere else on this side of the river. On the other, I'm taking it as incentive to finally get my damn driver's license. Of course, then we'll have to work out the car situation...

Still, fall has begun, and not everything in my life sucks right now. :)

Guerilla theater

This is brilliant, and reminds me of something my high school drama class did one afternoon. Enjoy!

Fifteen Months

Fifteen months ago today, you were the most precious newborn ever.

Today: you walk - nearly run! You speak - even in words! You say "hi", "cat", "dada", and sometimes "mama", nod and shake your head (mostly shake), and sign "nurse", "more", and "all done" in increasingly more sophisticated ways every day. You love to empty containers; your favorites are my purse and whatever basket of clothes is closest. You love books - preferably for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but you "read" them as well. While you still nurse more than anything, you cheerfully try any food or drink we offer (or don't offer); even if you immediately spit it out, you are always game to try it again. You love being outside - anywhere outside - more than being anywhere inside. You have learned the pleasures of cuddling soft toys like stuffed animals.

You are smart, curious, inquisitive, sweet, cheerful, social, and my dear, darling, precious, beautiful girl. I love you more than words can say.

P.S. I love you even more on those rare night that you get to sleep easily. This was not one of them.

I wish it was labor.

Because at least if it was labor, it would be *doing* something, and I'd get a baby at the end of it.

As it is, it's "just" cramps, but cramps as bad as I've ever gotten them.

At least I don't get them this bad *every* month...

Elessar

We spent several days this week watching the Lord of the Rings extended movies. We've gotten hooked into a new (to us) computer game, and having a movie on in the background not only gives us something else to think about, but also (sometimes) helps distract the Infanta, who is otherwise constantly up in my lap wanting to nurse. Call us bad parents for babysitting with movies if you like, we won't deny it, but sometimes a mom has GOT to make some room for herself.

Anyway, I was struck by something. As some of you, my faithful readers, know, Aragorn's milk-name was Elessar, an Elvish word that means 'hope'. The Elvish portions of the dialogue often bounce the word around, one of the most profound moments being the conversation where Elrond gives Aragorn the sword Anduril. I'm paraphrasing here, but Elrond says to Aragorn that he is the hope of Men, and Aragorn replies that he keeps none for himself. Despite this pessimistic remark, Aragorn is consistently Gandalf's voice of optimism. Twice during the films, Gandalf has time to stop and worry about how he's sent Frodo on a fool's errand, and begins to despair of Frodo's chances for success. Both times, however, Aragorn speaks with the voice of hope, and prompts Gandalf to realize that he really does believe it may work, pushing back the threatening despair.

If it wasn't 11:30 at night after a loooong week of juggling a fussing toddler I could probably pull that into a thesis, but it is, so I'll just leave it at that observation. Still, isn't that interesting? What do you all think?

Stacey and Calum

Go check it out!

I've got another think coming.

Today Bethany and (and ours girls) went and visited Karinda. On the one hand, we wanted to see her gorgeous new baby, and on the other, to help out with a few household chores. We probably stayed a bit longer than we should have, especially given how exhausted Karinda was, but she was glad that in addition to fiddling with food donations, dishes, and even laundry, we were able to take her 2.75 yo son out to play for a good hour or so.

Towards the end of our visit, I got a chance to snuggle the beautiful brand-new baby. The Infanta happened to be more or less in my lap at the same time, and at first did very well with the newborn in my arms. She was very interested, and did an excellent job of patting the baby very softly and lightly. Then the baby woke up enough to begin rooting for a breast, and the Infanta didn't like that so much. In fact, she got downright upset, even jealous; she started protesting loudly and trying to climb into my arms over the newborn. I'd already been about to hand the baby back to her mother, but it got difficult when Herself was practically pulling the squishy bundle out of my arms in her upset eagerness to be in them herself. It was obvious that she did. not. want. to share me, and that the thought of another baby getting at "her" milk supply was intolerable. So, it has become obvious to me that we will have to prepare her carefully for sharing nursing whenever we manage to have a sibling coming. I'm not sure how we'll do this, not yet anyway, but I'm sure we'll think of something.

Interestingly, once the baby was back in her mother's arms and latched on to her proper breast, the Infanta went back to watching interestedly, and even signed "nurse" - not requesting it, but identifying what she was seeing. I knew she was a smart cookie, but is this usual at 15 months?

Symptoms and speculations

Skipped a day again. I would give up on the resolution and just say "as often as possible", but that would end up with me posting fortnightly again. And I don't want to do that.

In regard the tender nipple portion of my post on Friday, Karen remarks, "...last time I had that particular symptom, I ended up with a son nine months later." I wish it was that easy. Sadly, that particular symptom is most likely simply what it's always been for me - simply part of my cycle, just more difficult to bear because my nipples are in actual use. On the other hand, just before I started this post, the Infanta was hanging off my lap (as she often does), and I suddenly could. not. bear. to have her touch me. So maybe there's something to speculate about this month, after all. I'm not counting on it, but naturally I would be thrilled.

I spent a week or two this month freaking out about why my body might not be keeping pregnancies. I do still plan to call and get myself checked out, but I would guess that they probably won't want to see me yet (not "enough" losses). So... I've decided to continue trying, but also trying to be more mellow about it. I do still feel the crunch of time, but in the long run, stressing about it won't help anything, and might even make things take longer. I'm attempting to adopt an attitude of "it'll happen when it happens".

Just remind me of this next time I'm freaking out, okay?

It's past my bed time

but I thought you all should know what we had for dinner. The latkes were all right, but the cake is fantastic! Especially with my signature piles of whipped cream. :D

Ugh.

So, three days into my new posting resolution... and I skip a day. It wasn't my fault, though! I decided to swap the operating system, and making it work took a lot longer than we expected. But as of this afternoon, I'm back online.

This week has been a very long one in some ways, and very short in others. Two good friends had their babies (Stacey on Wednesday, Karinda just today), Br. Vincent visited, and so on. This is fairly TMI, but my breasts have been very tender this week, rendering nursing very uncomfortable. The Infanta has been beginning to take more chances with what she can do, and so her collection of war injuries, as of this evening, includes two splits in her lip and a bruise on her cheek.

We said farewell to Br. Vincent this morning, delivering him to visit his dad in Newport. I'm not sure when we'll get to see him in person again, but I'm sure we'll have plenty of good times online, as we generally do (when life doesn't have us too busy).

Tonight I am exhausted. I ache in body and soul, and am beginning to dread overnight, knowing that the Infanta is likely to nurse much as she did last night - not often (she only woke me twice), but long, and persistently (owie!!!!). I'm beginning to have thoughts about night weaning, but am not sure I'm up to the battle that I have no question it will be.

I am looking forward to the weekend, however. I have knitting tomorrow afternoon, and the weather has cooled significantly. I hope you all have good ones!

Daily baby

Br Vincent and the Infanta

Apologies for the incoherence of yesterday's post.

What is with...

the long days?

This morning Herself woke us (me) at two seconds past seven. I was actually ok with this; we had a plan to walk to Dutch Brothers and indulge in $2 Tuesday before going on with our day's plans. So we did, and it was a lovely walk, not too warm, but not too cool either.

But, just before I headed over to Stacey's for a bit, to knit and talk and help distract her from the fact that she DOES NOT want to go into labor for another day or so, the Infanta made me very unhappy with her. To be fair, I should have been paying more attention to what she was doing while puttering around my feet, but I didn't. And so I didn't know what she was doing until Vincent took an offered knitting needle... which took me a second glance to realize was out of a current project. And she was trotting happily off with the rest of the sock. So I jumped up, dashed over to her, and took the sock out of her hand... but as I took it, the yarn (still attached to the ball and trailing behind across the room) broke, about six inches from the working point. I was not amused. And this was just the morning!

But for the evening... the Infanta's bedtime has been creeping earlier lately. Not by our doing, although we're enjoying having a little more evening time, but by hers. She's just been getting to the point of ready for bed a little bit earlier each night. It has been our rule for a number of months now that she's not allowed to nap past 7, because she'll be up until all hours if she does; for months now she's been asleep around 9:30. Tonight she was making it plain she was ready for bed at a few minutes past 7! I had her asleep and was back out before 8... it's now 10, and she hasn't roused yet. I'm astonished.

I bet she's up at 6:30 tomorrow.

Loooong day.

Almost forgot to post!

We spent the day today driving to Lacey, WA to pick up our good friend Br. Vincent. The drive up went pretty well. Both the Infanta and I got naps in, although hers was twice as long as mine, and I also got a good bit of knitting in. When she woke, she was amused by looking out the window until very close to our destination (whereupon she started with the fussing). Then hanging out at the monastery, and lunch, and then on the road again.

The trip back didn't go so smoothly. This time we had a monk in the front seat, so I was sitting in the back next to the Infanta - these days, she's much fussier with me next to her than not. We both got naps again; again, hers was much longer than mine, and I got a fair bit of knitting done. But she didn't sleep as long as she did in the morning, and on top of it, she wanted to nurse like crazy. Well, nurse as many times as she has been lately... And since I don't have nearly the acreage up front that some ladies of my acquaintance have, I couldn't oblige her while we were in motion. So she fussed about that. Also, she didn't want to be stuck in a carseat, she wanted to be playing... so she fussed about that. Eventually, I hit touched out (something about being kicked one too many times), so I spent the remaining forty minutes or so alternately ignoring her, holding myself out of the way of kicking feet (neither of which is easy when sitting next to the car seat), and, when she was actually behaving well, snuggling.

Now I have to go, because she's totally melting down, needing to go to bed early.

But we have Br. Vincent for a few days, which is teh awesome.

More Blog resolutions

Posting has been pretty thin on the ground here. Partly it's that I've been busy, or tired, or... But mostly it's that I got out of the habit. So I'm going to get back into the habit.

More Sock Summit

Go here (those are apparently Barbara Walker's hands) and then look at the gallery, too.

Oh yeah, if you've ever had doubts about knitting and whether it can be feminist... go read that little bio.

Sock Summit '09

There's just too much to tell, but it was amazing. And I only got to go to the Marketplace and the Ravelry party!

I didn't take nearly enough photos, but here's what there is.

SockSummit09

The Infanta was wonderful; despite a very long day and only a short nap, she only melted down about once. I was bombarded constantly with compliments, mostly about her handknits, but also about herself herself. :) It was wonderful to see babies and children of all ages everywhere, all day; truly a baby-friendly event!

There are rumors circulating about "the next one", naturally; I'm just hopiong that they decide to come back to Portland soonish, and that I can actually get into some classes next time!

When I wrote my last entry I was really, truly down, but Saturday, spent with friends and yarn fumes, has eased my spirit considerably. It was an amazing day, and healed me deeply.

Blues

Despite having spent the day with Karinda and Bethany (which visit was wonderful and uplifting, even if we didn't all get to pick blueberries together),I'm really down tonight.

Part of it is that I'm still processing the birth I was at earlier this week. Mostly, though, I think it's how that experience is synergizing with the fact that at the same time, I was (I firmly believe) passing my second chemical pregnancy in a row. That would be three pregnancies I've lost since May. We weren't even officially trying this last cycle! (Not that you'd have known it... *whistles innocently*)

I'm planning to contact my reproductive-type care folks and get myself checked out, but the thought is really scary. Like, how do I prove the chemical pregnancies? What if they find something wrong with me? Worse, what if they don't?

I'm going to try my best to set this aside for tomorrow, and enjoy my day at Sock Summit, but I think it's going to be very difficult. Right now I feel like I'm moving through January-chilled molasses; my shoulders ache, my head aches, heck, even my eyes ache, and I'm having a hard time keeping them open.

And of course the Infanta chooses this time to (apparently) start a growth spurt and teethe, so she's extra super-duper fussy and clingy. Ah, the joys of motherhood...

Another day, another adventure...

I spent a lot of time sleeping today; sleeping, and reassuring the Infanta that I really do still love her and haven't abandoned her. You see, I spent the last two days at the hospital, working with a client. 36 hours of being wrung through the hospital wringer later, she has a beautiful little girl... but man, I'm still tired. And all I did was cheer-lead!

I can't talk about the birth here; it's not my story and it would violate ethics, contracts, friendship, and good manners... but it was intense, and I don't think I would have held up nearly as well if my friend and fellow doula Stacey hadn't been willing to cheer me on via text message. I am especially grateful to her for doing so despite being more than ready to give birth herself, and in fact was in prodromal labor herself pretty much the whole time we were consulting. Stacey, remind me to bring chocolate to our date! I owe you. :)

Anyway... I knew before that I didn't want to give birth at the hospital here in town, but now I know I REFUSE to do so. Especially since my client has the same insurance we do... and so I would be subject to the same doctors she was. So not interested. And I really did like the care I received at the hospital where I gave birth to the Infanta, so despite its being 45 minutes away in good traffic, I think it's worth it. Of course, what I would really prefer would be to simply stay home, but I don't see that happening in the near future. So... I'll drive the 45 minutes to be cared for by the midwife I'm already established with (and whom I like very much), and drive the same to give birth again at the Baby-Friendly hospital.

How Green Is My Garden

Still no pictures - my camera's packed in my doula bag just now - but the garden is still very lush, and beginning to be more productive. I just spent half an hour picking zucchini and green beans, admiring the flowers on the peppers and tomatillos, and excitedly finding small green fruit on the tomatoes and shell beans. I also whacked a whole bunch off the pumpkin vines, which were threatening to take over not only our yard, but our neighbor's, too!

It's still hot, tho less so, but humid, with a chance of thunderstorms (please!). I have a narsty headache probably brought on by dehydration and lack of food, so I'm off to remedy those!

Time flies when you're roasting.

It's been over a week since I posted last - yikes! I didn't realize until Mom called last night, wanting to know how things were since I hadn't posted... It's been hot. If you don't follow the weather in the Willamette Valley as slavishly as do the people who live here, we're on the down side of a really nasty heat wave - I think even my friends who live in places like California, New Mexico and Texas will agree that 108 is really, really hot! It's even worse when you live in a place that's rainy for 10 months of the year, and where 95 is usually considered roasting. As I type, it's about 92... and it feels a bit warmer than we'd really prefer, but it's not horrid. Two days ago? 108. Happily for us, we could go take refuge with my in-laws and their central AC for the afternoon; I'm not sure what we'd have done without that option. I've been feeling ambivalent about the fancy, expensive windows we had installed last year, but no more! With this heat, they've really been showing their worth, keeping our poorly insulated house mostly tolerable.

What else, what else... well, I'm on call for a mom whose EDD was two days ago, and that's pretty central to my life right now. It's hard to relax into doing much of anything when I know that any moment I'll get The Call, and have an hour to get ready and be over at her house (or wherever she wants me to meet them). I'm very excited to attend this birth, but being on call is really a strain.

At the same time, I'm instituting some changes with nursing the Infanta. I've really been feeling that her nursing has strongly contributed to losing two pregnancies now (early this month I had what I believe was a chemical pregnancy, where the egg is fertilized, but never implants). Since we really want to become pregnant again, I'm making an effort to reduce the number of times a day that she nurses. I'm aiming for about three hours between sessions (with the intent of stretching it longer bit by bit over time), which really isn't all that long, but is quite a lot longer than the 45 minutes or so she was doing earlier this month! It's a change for all of us, especially as Josh and I have to pay much more attention to giving her real food and drink to replace the mommy-moo we're trying to cut down on. I'm *not* weaning her completely, simply trying to adjust the proportion of milk to solids. I think it's going ok at the moment, but I'm also at a point of my cycle where she is much more relaxed about my supply. She does start getting frantic to nurse about a half hour before I'm ready to, which means that we're practicing the fine art of toddler distraction.

Perhaps by the time I post again, I'll have double the number of doula births under my belt. :)

If this don't make you smile...

Found via Norma:



Probably not what I would do, if I had the big day to do over again, but dang, that's just full of awesome.

How does my garden grow?

Lushly. I even have some blossoms, suggesting that some of my veggies may in fact bear fruit sometime before the frost hits. Because, you know, late July is the best time to not even have immature fruit yet. *sigh*

The Infanta and the Garden

Yet another album starring the lovely Infanta. The first ten pictures were taken last week(?) while my mom was here; you can get an idea of the monster hill of pumpkins, reaching out to grab the toddler innocently pulling bean leaves. The latter portion were taken yesterday. Josh took Herself with him while he turned on the sprinkler, and then came and asked for the camera. Most of them were taken in our rather jungle-ish back yard, but the last several are in the front, as the Infanta reacts to the sprinkler spray. She's just so dratted photogenic...

I keep meaning to take and post some pictures of the garden itself, especially as it's so very... verdant right now, but I just keep getting distracted by shiny things, or a certain fussy toddler, or whatever. Maybe tomorrow morning. It's supposed to get very hot indeed in the next few days, so we'll be hunkering down in survival mode, and searching for air conditioning to borrow.

And for all you Ravelers - the voting for Dye For Glory is open! Be sure to go cast your ballots. I wouldn't want to influence you unfairly (oh, no, never), but especially check out the entries from our local Three Fates Knitting (yes, that's a totally unpaid-for ad on the left there, because she's my good friend and dyes awesomely) and Dicentra Designs. Between the two of them, they have entries in nearly every division!

We Have a First Word!

"Cat".

If you've been following along on the Infanta's obsession with felines (including her major motivation for becoming mobile), this will come as no surprise at all.

She's been working on words for about a month now; in fact, as long as she's been really walking - to the day, even. We've had assorted variations of something that sounds a lot like "light", and she says "hi" appropriately (with the cutest little wave EVAR), and she signs "more" (which I think she thinks means food) and sometimes "nurse" (we use the sign for "milk" to mean breastfeeding, because the official sign for nursing is... NSFW), but she's really pulled it together in the last few days with "cat". She even points towards places where the cats are known to lurk - even if you can't see into those spots from where we are - and says it. And then this evening, as she and Daddy were taking me off to knitting, she was pointing at everything and calling it all "cat".

Well, she's also mastered "dada", and she's working hard on "mama", but they don't seem to count those at the doctor's office. The signs they do count, however. Thirteen and a half, almost fourteen months, and she can say 4 words correctly. Not bad, not bad...

My Current Wallpaper

Which proves that the Infanta is indeed my daughter: yum, books!

My mother and brother headed home this morning. They were here for two weeks, which was both too long and not long enough. Miss you guys!

More Linkies

Totally friggin' amazing birth story!

Also, some of the knitting I've been up to lately...

So totally true.

Ohmygooses. Go check it out. Not that I know from the drugs end... but I was high on the Infanta's birth for two months, and didn't even know it until I was easing off.

Silver Falls Picnic

We took a trip to Silver Falls State Park yesterday. We had several purposes; a picnic, checking cell reception there (which is nil), and showing my mom and little brother Mithrilwood. I made sure to bring swim clothes for the Infanta, so that she could go play in the stream that runs by the picnic area. It ended up being colder than she's used to water being, so she didn't much like it after she tipped over face-first, but until then she had a grand time!

Here's the day's photoshoot; I handed the camera to Josh, since he's far better with a camera than I am.

Silver Falls

Monday Night Musings

Posting just to post, more or less. I'm sitting here, tired after a busy but fun weekend, wondering why I'm not in bed, snatching a few hours' rest before my mom and little brother arrive. They didn't leave the Bay Area until mid afternoon, so we don't expect them on our doorstep until after midnight... It's going to be a long night. I am really looking forward to seeing my mom and brother, though!

The Infanta is clearly teething; I can see her still-missing lower incisors lurking just below the surface, just waiting to cut through and damage my poor, innocent nipples. Such is motherhood, I suppose.

I should sign off here, collect my now-wakeful offspring, and drag Josh into the bathroom to cut his hair (sounds kinky, but it's really not).

Sheesh!

Honest, this isn't turning into a Thursday and Sunday blog! It just looks like it.

I recently decided that it was time and past to teach the Infanta some nursing manners. She's been kicking and wiggling a lot while nursing, and I've gotten tired of it. So, when she's on teh bewb but not sitting still, I will detach her and set her down, even if she's in the middle of a let-down (she's usually concentrating on eating at that moment, but there have been times..), with the admonition that she must behave herself and sit quietly while nursing. A little while ago, I picked her up to nurse, and she happily latched on, but was kicking very strongly, so I set her down. And she screamed!! She sobbed and wailed and lay on the floor for a good five minutes while I went about my business (I have a pair of sample socks I'm knitting for a friend's yarn dyeing business), and after a while, when she'd quieted a little, I
picked her up again, gave her some teething tablets, and we nursed more less quietly.

We're pretty sure she's in pain from something today, though, although we disagree on whether it's teething or gas. Either way, it's making her fussy and sleep-resistant!

Light of my life

I was taking pictures of a current sock project (which I need to frog and start over due to gauge issues, sigh), and looked over to see this beauty. Since pictures of that smile are few and far between, I couldn't not take a few. This one's even not blurry!

In the good old Summertime

She walks!



She discovers the fan!



I discovered the pleasures of making freezer jam a few weeks ago. Mash up the fruit, mix it with sugar and (special, already mixed) freezer jam pectin, ladle into jars, pop in the freezer, enjoy at leisure. Shown above are 5 1/2 jars of raspberry-blackberry jam, potted just moments before. When I finish this post, they will supposedly have thickened enough to go into the freezer.

There has been knitting. There has been finishing! I even have photos!! But I've only posted them to Ravelry so far. Maybe I'll post them tomorrow, if I manage to blog. :)

Has it really been since Thursday?

I guess it has. Rest assured, life has improved since that very dreary post. Among other details, the Infanta is walking more than crawling. That is, she's at about 60% walking, 40% crawling; I think we can say that "she's walking" now.

But I'm posting because I found this tidbit through my Reader just now. I like this blog a lot, by the way; I don't agree with all of her politics (because she's very anti-choice, and I'm, well, very pro-choice), but in general she has a lot of really smart things to say. All of you third trimester mamas take heart!

Bleh.

First things: yes, Karinda, the toddler muumuus do match, and yes, we did coordinate their wearing ahead of time. Matching outfits for the girls was actually Bethany's birthday present to us/the Infanta/the girls. The Infanta isn't yet quite old enough to care about it so much, but boy does it ever make the Hurricane's day...

This has been kind of an ucky day. Josh and I had a teeny tiny tiff about something so insignificant I don't even remember what it was, except that it left me a bit grumpy... and then grumpy morphed into a major (for me) anxiety attack. I spent the anxious energy doing housework, but didn't quite realize what I was doing until I'd scrubbed my rolling pin - mind you, I've been avoiding dealing with the cookie dough caked on it since before Christmas. Soon after, the Infanta demanded to be nursed, and fell asleep... quite normal for her, but what wasn't normal was that with the anxiety attack going on, her nursing right then was making my skin crawl. I sucked it up long enough for her to be sound asleep, then laid her in her crib, and came back out to nap on the couch. She slept almost two and a half hours, and crawled out of the bedroom looking groggy; I dozed and napped for an hour or so and felt much, much better. Bless Josh for providing lunch and replacing the dishwasher detergent!

I'm still pretty down and out, and really feeling bad, because I'm kinda paralyzed, but supposed to be making a poster about birth in the Netherlands... but not having luck finding information, and feeling guilty about having left it to the last minute, and that's making me more down, and therefore more paralyzed... I could swear I didn't skip my brain meds, but why else am I so randomly off my stride? Seriously, I'm down enough right now that I don't much want to knit or read. *sigh*

Teething, Part next

We've got a lot of "nexts" going on right now, and they're all upping the ante. As with the walking, so the teething...

Herself has had six teeth for several months now, and she's more or less figured out how to use them (usually only accidentally on Mama). I've been dreading the return of full-fledged teething, but it's gotten lost behind other concerns... mostly. However, Mademoiselle McFusspot has been showing definite signs of teething again for a couple of weeks, all of which got easily confused with symptoms of the ear infections she had earlier in the month.

Today, after a lovely outing to the Wednesday Market with Bethany, her mom, and the Hurricane (the above picture wasn't taken today, but the toddler muumuu brigade was in full force), we came home and the Infanta started SCREAMING!!!! Full on, blood-curdling, who's-torturing-this-kid screams, with no obvious cause, and no easy remedy. No obvious trigger, just playing happily, and then BAM! A couple of frantic advice nurse conversations and teething tablets later, it's apparently that dreaded scourge teething come back to haunt us. We can see her two missing incisors just below the surface, but what's causing the pain is probably the swollen bumps indicating molars and canines.

And it's a week to payday and our supplies of Children's Motrin are running low.

We're Doomed!!! (part next)

So the Infanta is *this close* to walking for serious. Today at Gramma and Grampa's she spent more time on her feet than her knees (that could sound really bad out of context). This time next week maybe? Certainly by the time Gran's here in about two weeks...

A point I've been anting to make for a while...

...said brilliantly at the Unnecesarean.

Father's Day

Dear Josh: I love you very much. You are a fantastic father, and an amazing co-parent. Even when we disagree on parenting philosophy, you graciously defer to me and support my methods. You are also an excellent and considerate husband; you make me aspire to be a worthy wife to you.

~Katie



Father's Day dessert: strawberry shortcake made with berries from my MIL's garden.

Black Sheep 2009

I finally made it to the famous Black Sheep Gathering! I went with a couple of friends from my local knitting group and assorted spouses and offspring; Snarfy and Mia and I (and the Infanta and Snarfy's boys and husband) carpooled down, and met some other friends there, including Stephania and her husband and houseguest.

I was surprised to find that this year,at least, BSG was actually smaller than Oregon Flock and Fiber Festival; from everything I've heard, I expected it to be bigger. Of course, I didn't check out the wool show, or take any classes...

I also didn't take nearly as many pictures as I wanted. Before lunch, I was a woman on a mission: I had $20, and I wanted to find a new spindle, a smallish one, and maybe a little roving to spin on it. I did finally find a spindle, and I had enough left over to buy a single ounce of merino roving - and I even got a chance to spin a little of it! After lunch, we went and visited the sheep again, and this time I had my camera out. I'm not skilled enough with a camera to take exactly the pictures I'd like, but I hope I captured at least some of the Infanta's delight and utter fascination with the big furries!

Black Sheep 2009

I've been slacking with the blogging lately. So easy to let it fall by the wayside when life gets rough, and then so hard to get back into the habit...

Complete denial?!

The Yarn Harlot was taking suggestions for dorky shows to accompany endless garter stitch today; a fair number of commenters were claiming that Firefly and Torchwood aren't dorky. Scroll down to check the comments. Um, either these folks are so dork core that they don't realize it, or they're in complete and total denial. Everyone in my living room at the moment is voting for the latter.

Hot stuff!

I haven't updated as much recently, but life has been pretty rough, not leaving much time for frills like blogging. And then a bloggable moment happens, and I have to capture it, or regret it forever.



The Infanta ha been somewhat slow to be interested in solid foods. We've been offering her bits of this and that off our plates since she was around 5 months, but she's never been very interested. Lately, however, she's really taking off with the solids, in some very surprising ways. For example, the last few times we've had chili, she's hung around our knees begging for her share (I admit it, we eat in the living room more often than at the table - but we do eat together!).

Tonight I made curry. I make curry probably a couple of times a month, usually with a favorite curry paste - we get it mild, not being much on spicy-hot foods generally. Tonight, I used a jar of curry paste I found somewhat randomly at WinCo, and it turned out quite a bit spicier than usual; not bad (although my mom couldn't eat it), just enough to let you know you're alive. And to reach for the rice and chai. Now, we have noticed on other occasions that the Infanta will eat rice, particularly with gravy from chili or curry or the like mixed in, so it wasn't a huge surprise when she indicated that she wanted some out of our bowls. Usually, though, she's been satisfied with a taste, and then moves on to whatever shiny is next. This time? A taste. Then another. Then, while I was in the kitchen starting a pot of chai, Daddy asks me to bring out a spoon - she's practically licking it off the table. With Mama-wisdom, I brought not only a spoon, but also a bowl of her very own, and filled it with a good couple of tablespoonsful of rice-with-curry-gravy out of my own bowl... and she ate it. All but a couple of teaspoonfuls. All together, she probably ate a good quarter cup of rice and curry gravy. Did I mention it was spicier than our usual? Oh, and she was so excited about eating that she was actually going out of her way to take unsupported steps to get to it.

Someone tell me that mine isn't the only kid that prefers savory over sweet foods?

The Infanta's Party

The Infanta's First Birthday Party

Yes,it was almost a week ago now. What can I say,it's been a rough week.

As usual, click on the album. I didn't get comments on the pictures up yet; I may this weekend, or I may not. Don't hold your breaths, though!

eta: Did what I could to fix the link issue.

Lifting the silence

Yesterday's memorial for Baby P was hard, but beautiful. Bethany has spoken better about it than I can, but she is a writer, after all - at least, a more practiced one than I.

I wasn't going to go; I'd only met C once before. But she wrote something in sympathy for my miscarriage that helped the most of what anyone said, and so I felt that I should be there, to lend what support my presence would bring. C said she was glad I came.

I was glad I went: I got to cry. I hadn't yet been able to cry for my own loss; I can't when I'm on duty, and a mom with a toddler is always on duty. So I left the Infanta at home, and joined this amazing community in mourning. And I cried. I cried for Baby P; I cried for C, and for her family; I cried for me, and I cried for my own babe-not-to-be. I'm still very sad today, and weepy here and there. I keep remembering what one of the speakers said: that in the midst of everything else, there is still love. There is always love. And the remembrance makes me want to cry more, but because the thought helps me release my grief, not because it makes me more upset.

There is still love.

How do I find the words?

C, a woman of my acquaintance and a member of one of the larger mom's groups I'm a part of, lost her baby during birth last night. I don't know the full story, and probably may never, because I do not know C well, but I understand that it was something to do with a last-minute complication. Yes, I'm being deliberately vague.

I miscarried last month, sure, but I didn't know I was pregnant until I was already miscarrying. It was hard, I'm still mourning, but for me the worst part was just not knowing when the physical process would be done so I could go back to living. To carry a baby for over nine months, to love her, to bond with her, name her, to have a shower and prepare an older sibling; to labor with her, and then lose her literally as she is being born... I wouldn't even know where to begin to deal with this.

Please pray for C, for her husband and daughter M, and for her midwives Pam and Emily and doula Katie (not me), and for Baby P, who could not stay with us.

Better Than a Vegas Show

This is Josh's evening to go gaming, so I started the artichokes steaming at 3:30, so that we could sit down and eat together before he left. He got home around 4; we were idly checking our email when we discovered a TORNADO WARNING!!!!111eleven And then the lightning started. And then the thunder! And then the sky opened up!!!!111eleventy-one!!! It seemed almost Biblical, but really was just a good summer storm.

So, we did what any right-minded geek would do: we unplugged the computers from the wall sockets, and then we took our dinners out and sat on the porch to enjoy the show Nature provided. The big part of the thunderstorm lasted just long enough for us to enjoy our artichokes, and eased up with just enough time for Josh to plug the router and modem back in before heading out. It's like we scheduled it or something. ;)

As I type, it's still raining, with occasional rumbles, but nothing more right on top of us. Actually, it's dark enough, and my day started early enough (thanks to a certain toddler) that I'm quite surprised it's not yet 6!

Random Tuesday

It's been warm and quite humid here the last day or two; my feeling is that if I wanted to live in weather like this, I'd have moved to Austin! Which, clearly, I didn't.

I feel bad for not having taken many pictures of the Infanta recently. She is growing and changing so very fast... I should record it better. But mostly lately, I'm too busy trying to keep up with her (or keep her out of something dangerous, or getting her to nap) to even think of the camera!

We actually got some gaming in this evening! And my characters weren't useless! Yay!

Time to get Herself to bed.