Wordless Wednesday: Snacking on the Go

At the grocery store Saturday.

Weaning: A Bedtime Story

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful baby girl whom her mother called the Infanta. This little girl loved to nurse. From just moments after she was born, she nursed strongly and well, and she and her mother were fortunate to have none of the problems that so many other mothers and babies have. She loved nursing so much that she had no interest in grown-up food until after her first birthday, and her mother's milk nourished her perfectly.

As time went on, the little girl nursed less, although she never stopped wanting her mother's snuggly arms. Soon after the little girl turned two years old, she stopped nursing altogether; her mother was growing another baby, and had stopped making milk. This was sad for them both, and the Infanta continued to ask to nurse. Although her mother didn't let her nurse, she never stopped offering snuggles. The little girl wanted to be close with her mother, and so although she begged to nurse, she grudgingly accepted the snuggles in place of nursing.

One teary night, after the Infanta went to bed, the mother realized that she needed to figure out how to tell her little girl that she wouldn't get to nurse after the baby was born. So, she had a conversation with a dear friend, and decided to write this story. Nursing is special, and every mother and child who are able to even briefly form a unique bond because of it; but it's not something anyone can do forever. That bond never fades, though, and every mother's arms are always open to her children.

Thoughts of a Thursday

* I've made it to the second trimester! By some definitions, anyway. Others say it's not til next week. Either way, I've made it past 12 weeks, when the chances for miscarriage drop to nigh-miniscule.

* I'm trying to make myself believe that I really am pregnant, and that I really will be having a baby at the end of this year. I'm oddly detached still. With the Infanta I was so excited, so in love with my baby; this time, while I want it so much (I think ;) ), my innocence is lost and I'm a lot more reserved about bonding. I'm really looking forward to my next appointment, and the reassurance of hearing the heartbeat. I really want to feel movement... but it's too soon for that.

* The Infanta is 2. How did that happen?! She's still very sweet, bright, and usually well-behaved, but she does throw a fit every now and then. I find that the fits happen less if I give her some warning about a change that's going to happen - we're leaving the park, it's time to get dressed, time for bed, etc. That way she gets to process her reaction and is often leading the way by the time it's actually time to go! I need to remember her transition process more often; it's how I work, after all.

* Well, we're still nursing. Sort of. The Infanta has begun asking to nurse at times that we haven't at nursed in months, and the bedtime nursing is often either hard-fought (on my part) or a delay tactic (on hers). Between her lazy toddler latch and my pregnancy-sore breasts, as well as my bare trickle of a supply, nursing is very painful for me and pretty unsatisfying for her. I'm very close to calling it quits for good, but I can't quite bring myself to yet. I'm pretty sure I don't want to tandem nurse (I don't anymore, anyway), but I'm just not quite there on stopping with my darling girl.

Notes from the Trenches: End of March Updates

How did it get to the end of the month already?! Oh, I know: chasing a busy toddler around.

For the year's goals:

1. How do I forget about this one? The Infanta has become a smidge less frustrating, though, so it's a little easier to appreciate her. More on that in a bit.

2. With A's help I made myself a nightie a couple of weeks ago! It's super comfy, and we're plotting a day to work on jammies for the girls - with, I hope, someone to watch the girls so we can concentrate on sewing.

3. Not much relaxation on the pregnancy issue here, but I'm at about three weeks on no soda. It's still not easy, and I don't really like that I've taken to coffee in the mornings, but I do feel better. I think. On the other hand, my cycle has been doing weird things for a few months, and I'm still trying to figure out what and why.

4. Not doing so great on the housework, but I have at least gotten to a place where I'll be in the kitchen waiting for something to cook, and will realize that I have a few minutes in which to, say, load the dishwasher. It's not consistent, but it does happen. Also, it's fairly easy to get frustrated and pick up the Infanta's bedroom (more on that below).

5. Again, not doing to great on this... but I at least think about it. Last week we had some truly gorgeous weather, and all three of us got out to enjoy it. I even got out to the garden, which I weeded, and then planted sugar peas and onions. I think I might still be sore from that... This week is promising to be stormy; March going out like a lion this year, so getting out will be problematic. Still, I'm thinking about it, and that's a start!

The Infanta is finally coming out of 18-21 month hell. She's sweet, cheerful, social, mischievous, and turning into a proper little geek. Around the beginning of this month I got tired of watching Thomas the Tank Engine all the time, and instead started watching the new Doctor Who series. As a result, the Infanta will ask to see "Thoma'?" as well as "Doctie?". But the we watched The Goblet of Fire the other night... and during the scene in which Barty Crouch Jr is unmasked, she was pointing at David Tennant on the screen and saying "Doctie? Doctie? Doctie!" One of my worst trials with her right now is that when she's playing with the Quiet One, she's more likely than not to pull hair and shove. So to deal with that and teach the Infanta that that's not acceptable while simultaneously not feeding the Quiet One's incipient dramatic tendencies is... a challenge.

Weaning is actually going surprisingly well, and thank you all for your supportive comments on the subject. It does help to know that you all are out there and caring! At the beginning of Josh's Spring Break we turned my office into the Infanta's bedroom. To all appearances so far, she loves having her own room, and will ask to go play in it (we have it gated off still). With the time change she began sleeping almost all night, and with her own room she's started sleeping all night! So I haven't had to worry about night weaning, the Infanta has done that herself. I had tried to drop our morning nursing session at first, and that wasn't going so well, but after a day on which she napped easily without nursing I decided to drop that session instead. So we're down to only bedtime and morning, which suits me fine. The Infanta does seem to have finally picked up that I deliberately stopped, as she's been asking to "nuss" more in the last couple of days, and is very eager when it is time, but she accepts more or less gracefully when I say no.

That's the highlights from the trenches right now.

Hard Choices

It's funny how writing things out makes them easier to cope with. Since I wrote my last post, I've been doing ok again.

But... I've come to a hard realization about nursing. I'd been saying that if I couldn't get a pregnancy to stick by the time the Infanta turns two, I would wean her... and it seems my subconscious has decided that I should wean her by then, anyway.

I'm pretty sure it's the right decision for myself, but I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about it. I didn't ever have a time I wanted to wean by, but always said at least two years, because of the WHO's recommendations (which say at least two years, and then as long as mother and child wish to continue). I figured I'd probably go longer than that... but it's looking like I won't now.

You see, I think the reason I'm having trouble staying pregnant is that for me, nursing is disrupting my hormonal balance just enough. Many, even most, women don't have that issue, but I think I do; I think I have low progesterone anyway, and nursing is disrupting that even more. And while I want to breastfeed the Infanta as long as I can, I also need to balance that with my desire for more children. She is certainly old enough that she doesn't *need* breast milk for nutrition, and she is well able to ask for (and receive) other kinds of nurturing.

On the other hand, nursing the one thing I can do for her that no one else can, and I find that that is a very big part of my identity as a mother. I have no doubts that I can shift its place - "I nursed her for two years" instead of "we're still nursing" - but it's not going to be painless. Nursing is a very special relationship, and once it's over, it's over. I don't want to nurse forever, but am I really ready to be done?

If I turn up pregnant, though, we're done, cold turkey.

I've got another think coming.

Today Bethany and (and ours girls) went and visited Karinda. On the one hand, we wanted to see her gorgeous new baby, and on the other, to help out with a few household chores. We probably stayed a bit longer than we should have, especially given how exhausted Karinda was, but she was glad that in addition to fiddling with food donations, dishes, and even laundry, we were able to take her 2.75 yo son out to play for a good hour or so.

Towards the end of our visit, I got a chance to snuggle the beautiful brand-new baby. The Infanta happened to be more or less in my lap at the same time, and at first did very well with the newborn in my arms. She was very interested, and did an excellent job of patting the baby very softly and lightly. Then the baby woke up enough to begin rooting for a breast, and the Infanta didn't like that so much. In fact, she got downright upset, even jealous; she started protesting loudly and trying to climb into my arms over the newborn. I'd already been about to hand the baby back to her mother, but it got difficult when Herself was practically pulling the squishy bundle out of my arms in her upset eagerness to be in them herself. It was obvious that she did. not. want. to share me, and that the thought of another baby getting at "her" milk supply was intolerable. So, it has become obvious to me that we will have to prepare her carefully for sharing nursing whenever we manage to have a sibling coming. I'm not sure how we'll do this, not yet anyway, but I'm sure we'll think of something.

Interestingly, once the baby was back in her mother's arms and latched on to her proper breast, the Infanta went back to watching interestedly, and even signed "nurse" - not requesting it, but identifying what she was seeing. I knew she was a smart cookie, but is this usual at 15 months?

Ugh.

So, three days into my new posting resolution... and I skip a day. It wasn't my fault, though! I decided to swap the operating system, and making it work took a lot longer than we expected. But as of this afternoon, I'm back online.

This week has been a very long one in some ways, and very short in others. Two good friends had their babies (Stacey on Wednesday, Karinda just today), Br. Vincent visited, and so on. This is fairly TMI, but my breasts have been very tender this week, rendering nursing very uncomfortable. The Infanta has been beginning to take more chances with what she can do, and so her collection of war injuries, as of this evening, includes two splits in her lip and a bruise on her cheek.

We said farewell to Br. Vincent this morning, delivering him to visit his dad in Newport. I'm not sure when we'll get to see him in person again, but I'm sure we'll have plenty of good times online, as we generally do (when life doesn't have us too busy).

Tonight I am exhausted. I ache in body and soul, and am beginning to dread overnight, knowing that the Infanta is likely to nurse much as she did last night - not often (she only woke me twice), but long, and persistently (owie!!!!). I'm beginning to have thoughts about night weaning, but am not sure I'm up to the battle that I have no question it will be.

I am looking forward to the weekend, however. I have knitting tomorrow afternoon, and the weather has cooled significantly. I hope you all have good ones!

Time flies when you're roasting.

It's been over a week since I posted last - yikes! I didn't realize until Mom called last night, wanting to know how things were since I hadn't posted... It's been hot. If you don't follow the weather in the Willamette Valley as slavishly as do the people who live here, we're on the down side of a really nasty heat wave - I think even my friends who live in places like California, New Mexico and Texas will agree that 108 is really, really hot! It's even worse when you live in a place that's rainy for 10 months of the year, and where 95 is usually considered roasting. As I type, it's about 92... and it feels a bit warmer than we'd really prefer, but it's not horrid. Two days ago? 108. Happily for us, we could go take refuge with my in-laws and their central AC for the afternoon; I'm not sure what we'd have done without that option. I've been feeling ambivalent about the fancy, expensive windows we had installed last year, but no more! With this heat, they've really been showing their worth, keeping our poorly insulated house mostly tolerable.

What else, what else... well, I'm on call for a mom whose EDD was two days ago, and that's pretty central to my life right now. It's hard to relax into doing much of anything when I know that any moment I'll get The Call, and have an hour to get ready and be over at her house (or wherever she wants me to meet them). I'm very excited to attend this birth, but being on call is really a strain.

At the same time, I'm instituting some changes with nursing the Infanta. I've really been feeling that her nursing has strongly contributed to losing two pregnancies now (early this month I had what I believe was a chemical pregnancy, where the egg is fertilized, but never implants). Since we really want to become pregnant again, I'm making an effort to reduce the number of times a day that she nurses. I'm aiming for about three hours between sessions (with the intent of stretching it longer bit by bit over time), which really isn't all that long, but is quite a lot longer than the 45 minutes or so she was doing earlier this month! It's a change for all of us, especially as Josh and I have to pay much more attention to giving her real food and drink to replace the mommy-moo we're trying to cut down on. I'm *not* weaning her completely, simply trying to adjust the proportion of milk to solids. I think it's going ok at the moment, but I'm also at a point of my cycle where she is much more relaxed about my supply. She does start getting frantic to nurse about a half hour before I'm ready to, which means that we're practicing the fine art of toddler distraction.

Perhaps by the time I post again, I'll have double the number of doula births under my belt. :)

Sheesh!

Honest, this isn't turning into a Thursday and Sunday blog! It just looks like it.

I recently decided that it was time and past to teach the Infanta some nursing manners. She's been kicking and wiggling a lot while nursing, and I've gotten tired of it. So, when she's on teh bewb but not sitting still, I will detach her and set her down, even if she's in the middle of a let-down (she's usually concentrating on eating at that moment, but there have been times..), with the admonition that she must behave herself and sit quietly while nursing. A little while ago, I picked her up to nurse, and she happily latched on, but was kicking very strongly, so I set her down. And she screamed!! She sobbed and wailed and lay on the floor for a good five minutes while I went about my business (I have a pair of sample socks I'm knitting for a friend's yarn dyeing business), and after a while, when she'd quieted a little, I
picked her up again, gave her some teething tablets, and we nursed more less quietly.

We're pretty sure she's in pain from something today, though, although we disagree on whether it's teething or gas. Either way, it's making her fussy and sleep-resistant!

Here's where the moms in the audience hate me.

You see, I seem to be smaller than pre-pregnancy size. I have a couple of pairs of jeans that I couldn't wear in the months before I got pregnant - and they're now too loose. That's happened before, and I'm sure it will happen again (the part where they're too small, that is).

But the thing that's surprising to me is that my bras seem to be too big around! Cup size - well, I'm still nursing, of course, so that's somewhere between a C and a D, depending. But I'd been noticing recently that my one real nursing bra has been... loose recently. Okay, I figure I've been wearing it pretty regularly for the last almost-year, it's probably stretched some... but really, I haven't had it all that long, and I *don't* wear it every day. Today, though, I wore a non-nursing bra, one with (brace yourself) underwires, and it was also too big! This was a bra I'd worn last spring, when my pregnancy-enhanced bust was too confined by my previous underwear, so I only wore it for about three months. Although I only paid $5 for it, it's in quite good shape. Today I put it on (it's a 36D, with lightly padded demi cups), and it was both too big and too small - the cups were a bit skimpy (not necessarily bad when you need to nurse in a bra not designed for it), and the band was too loose! So it appears that I may be in the unenviable position of needing to find a nursing bra in size 34D. I never thought I'd ever be looking for that size...

I suppose that this means I'm living proof of how breastfeeding can lead to weight loss.

Unnspired

I actually have a fair amount I could post about today. For example, I could talk about how the Teether kept us both from sleeping at all well last night. Or about how I randomly went to the LLL meeting this morning, and came home as our new librarian. Or the three-hour nap-with-babe this afternoon during which the cat who tolerates me insisted on snuggling. I just don't want to. Blame it on lack of sleep, probably...

Thing to make your blood boil.

Rixa posted a link to this article. It tells the tale of a Peruvian couple who were brought up on child pornography charges, and whose children were taken from them by CPS, simply on the issue of a photo of the mother breastfeeding her son. It's absolutely ridiculous that the couple are being forced to call something so beautiful and natural "wrong". Dude, I have nude pictures of breastfeeding the Infanta; they're not something that I choose to share with just anyone, but neither was this photo.

Harrumph. Time to go poke at the fire and nurse the Infanta, maybe help my blood pressure calm down.

this'nthat

First, a very cool video I found from a listserve of Salma Hayek breastfeeding an African baby. I'm so not a celebrity chaser, but I thought it was very cool, and even more so as she discusses her own feelings about it, and shares a family story on the subject.



On another subject, Hedra talks about men. But maybe not how you'd think! Hedra, can I be you when I grow up?

10. Check this out!

Found it here. I heart pro-breastfeeding ads!

Whaddya know?

Well, it really was contagious. Turns out my illness Saturday night wasn't from the turkey I treated with improper respect, but a 24 hour bug that's been making the rounds. I've been myself today, mostly... except that I'm not really interested in food. I'm kinda hungry... but every little flavor, especially sweetness, is very intense, and my tummy is still a touch queasy.

This is bad, especially when you consider that I'm still Lina's sole source of nourishment (and even if she was eating solids, the which she's shown no interest in yet except as toys, it would only be token amounts at this point), and that she's nursing very frequently right now - every couple of hours or less! I'm suspecting a supply decrease from ovulation... Oh yeah, did I mention I got my period for my birthday a couple of weeks ago? Guess I'll be eating oatmeal for breakfast and drinking Mother's Milk tea to wash it down.

Aaand the house is a mess. And while I got the laundry folded this afternoon, the baby sleeping on my front prevented me from putting it away. and while L's mom was able to make other arrangements for today, I'll have her again tomorrow. Ah, well, such is life...

Don't I know it!

more animals



How is it that, even though Little Girl(tm) let me sleep decently last night, I'm as exhausted tonight as if she were a newborn again? I suppose it's a good thing that she's too cute to strangle...

No, really, this is realistic!

I never would have believed so before beginning to nurse, myself, but it is!

I found this while running through a set of links to medieval and renaissance art showing nursing women.

Dangit, it's what they're for!

I found this article very timely. My in-laws are great folks, and absolutely adore Lina (as they should!). But... my father-in-law is very modest about breastfeeding, to the point that he'll go into another room when I need to nurse the little girl. It makes it pretty awkward for me, sadly. I don't think he disapproves of breastfeeding at all, he's just extremely modest...



How can you not adore an image of a newborn nursing for the first time?