Not dead, just busy

Summer has been busy, with visits from family and friends, not to mention our own activities. Plus, there's the whole surviving the heat thing.


Goofy Girl is goofy.


22w 3d

But I figure that it's been six weeks since I posted, so I thought I'd put up a bump shot. Seriously folks, I look like I did at 34ish weeks with the Infanta! Elessar is doing fine; very squirmy, and with all the right parts. I'm not enjoying the summer part of this pregnancy, but it will pass, and I'm good with everything else - especially since I have a lovely chiropractor is working hard on reducing my pelvic pain!

And yes, it was cool enough this morning that I'm wearing a sweater and jeans.

Wordless Wednesday: 16 weeks

Thoughts of a Thursday

* I've made it to the second trimester! By some definitions, anyway. Others say it's not til next week. Either way, I've made it past 12 weeks, when the chances for miscarriage drop to nigh-miniscule.

* I'm trying to make myself believe that I really am pregnant, and that I really will be having a baby at the end of this year. I'm oddly detached still. With the Infanta I was so excited, so in love with my baby; this time, while I want it so much (I think ;) ), my innocence is lost and I'm a lot more reserved about bonding. I'm really looking forward to my next appointment, and the reassurance of hearing the heartbeat. I really want to feel movement... but it's too soon for that.

* The Infanta is 2. How did that happen?! She's still very sweet, bright, and usually well-behaved, but she does throw a fit every now and then. I find that the fits happen less if I give her some warning about a change that's going to happen - we're leaving the park, it's time to get dressed, time for bed, etc. That way she gets to process her reaction and is often leading the way by the time it's actually time to go! I need to remember her transition process more often; it's how I work, after all.

* Well, we're still nursing. Sort of. The Infanta has begun asking to nurse at times that we haven't at nursed in months, and the bedtime nursing is often either hard-fought (on my part) or a delay tactic (on hers). Between her lazy toddler latch and my pregnancy-sore breasts, as well as my bare trickle of a supply, nursing is very painful for me and pretty unsatisfying for her. I'm very close to calling it quits for good, but I can't quite bring myself to yet. I'm pretty sure I don't want to tandem nurse (I don't anymore, anyway), but I'm just not quite there on stopping with my darling girl.

Sugar and Spice and Puppy Dog's Tails

* The Infanta's going to be two in a week. Where did the time go?!

* I'm still pregnant - 10 weeks tomorrow! Morning sickness held off while I had a ferocious cold, but came roaring in when the cold left. It's not as bad as I remember from the Infanta's pregnancy... or maybe I know more about coping? I do keep having thoughts about "why did I think this was a good idea again?"

* My SPD is kicking in. Not so much in front, although I've had a few itchy twinges there, but more in my left sacro-iliac joint. If I didn't know better I might say it was sciatica, but I do know better. I really hope it doesn't get any more painful than it is right now, but again, I know better. I guess I'd better get a form for a temp handicapped placard for my midwife to fill out sooner rather than later. Maybe when we go by the DMV to renew my permit?

* Having no (or almost no) knitting mojo thanks to first trimester exhaustion is really frustrating. Okay, first trimester exhaustion is frustrating all on its own, but not being able to knit much really sucks. So many things I want to work on, so little energy to do it with... so I'm focusing on J's father's day socks, and hoping I'll be able to get them done in time.

* I'm liking doing the Wordless Wednesday thing, because it means I'm actually actively taking pictures, *and* getting them off my camera.

Elessar: 8 weeks

I would tend to guess that most folks might look at me and think "too much Taco Bell", but I know that's scarcely the case. No, my belly has officially popped out! Already... how big am I going to get this time?! Only time will tell.

Mother's Day Musings

Last year was my first Mother's Day with a child outside my body (the year before the Infanta still had three weeks to cook). I was also miscarrying, and knew it (though I hoped very much that I wasn't). So I think Mother's Day will always be tinged by the sadness of remembering a child that was not to be.

However, this year I'm almost eight weeks pregnant, with every sign, including morning sickness and an almost complete lack of knitting mojo, that this one's going to go all the way. I'm even starting to show! (Although if you didn't know me well you might just think I've had too many sodas; I'll try to get a picture up in the next couple of days.) After so many losses in the last year, I'm still anxious about whether Elessar will stay with us, but I'm cautiously excited that I'll have a new baby by the year's end. Mostly right now I'm just tired and sick (I have a cold on top of the morning sickness); those two don't leave much room for anything else between them.

Introducing Elessar

At six weeks, she/he/it looks more like one of my earrings than anything else, but that should, I trust, improve with time.

Hard Choices

It's funny how writing things out makes them easier to cope with. Since I wrote my last post, I've been doing ok again.

But... I've come to a hard realization about nursing. I'd been saying that if I couldn't get a pregnancy to stick by the time the Infanta turns two, I would wean her... and it seems my subconscious has decided that I should wean her by then, anyway.

I'm pretty sure it's the right decision for myself, but I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about it. I didn't ever have a time I wanted to wean by, but always said at least two years, because of the WHO's recommendations (which say at least two years, and then as long as mother and child wish to continue). I figured I'd probably go longer than that... but it's looking like I won't now.

You see, I think the reason I'm having trouble staying pregnant is that for me, nursing is disrupting my hormonal balance just enough. Many, even most, women don't have that issue, but I think I do; I think I have low progesterone anyway, and nursing is disrupting that even more. And while I want to breastfeed the Infanta as long as I can, I also need to balance that with my desire for more children. She is certainly old enough that she doesn't *need* breast milk for nutrition, and she is well able to ask for (and receive) other kinds of nurturing.

On the other hand, nursing the one thing I can do for her that no one else can, and I find that that is a very big part of my identity as a mother. I have no doubts that I can shift its place - "I nursed her for two years" instead of "we're still nursing" - but it's not going to be painless. Nursing is a very special relationship, and once it's over, it's over. I don't want to nurse forever, but am I really ready to be done?

If I turn up pregnant, though, we're done, cold turkey.

Updates

So, I imagine you're all wondering what the whole bedrest thing is about. Yes, I'm still under orders to rest as much as possible; not technically bedrest, but I can really tell the difference in the way I feel between sitting and lying down.

So anyway, here's the deal: I'm currently pregnant. The problem is that I've been having a lot of spotting, to the point that it's a "threatened miscarriage". The way I've been feeling I think the bean is likely to stick, but it's not sure yet, and besides, my feeling may just be wishful thinking. But the morning sickness is real, and so are the food aversions, the heightened sense of smell, and the tender belly.

The part that really sucks is that as part of this rest cure I'm not allowed to lift more than 20 pounds - and since the Infanta is just about exactly that weight, I can only lift or carry her in brief and urgent moments. Also, trying to rest with a sick toddler is nigh impossible...

So that's what's up with me. I will post updates as they're available.