Letter to My Littles: Winter 2012

My darlings: I had a rough winter, and so I was unable to write you a letter in January. I still love you though, and you have both grown tremendously.

To my Infanta: you chatter and sing all day long, and dance whenever there is the slightest hint of music to do it to. Your thick, wavy hair (so like mine) curls to your waist, and looks amazing even if you haven't let me comb it in a week (or more). Have I mentioned your strong will recently? You continue to thrive at school, and when challenged, can read off any letters you see. You're also spontaneously doing simple addition and subtraction; not sums on a worksheet, but real-world math, noticing how many buses we pass on the way to school, or how many pieces of sandwich are left.

To Elessar: you are a toddler now, in everything but actually toddling. You'll get to the walking when you're ready, even though I'm starting to get a little anxious about it. You're so busy exploring and playing and learning to climb that you just haven't bothered with walking yet - although when you do finally let go, I know you'll be thrilled and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You recognize photos of yourself - "Ewwy-a!" - and know how to make the touch screen on my phone go. In short, you are everything a mother could want in her 14 month old baby.

To my spirit babies: two more joined your number this winter, a major reason I didn't post a month ago. I kind of imagine you all watching us like the brothers' ghosts in Stardust, sitting in a group and sending love. I think of you often, and miss you always.

Letter to My Littles: December 2011/Year-End Wrap-Up

Ah, my darlings, where to begin? This has been a very full year, as you both changed and grown almost beyond recognition. It has been a very difficult year for me, as I have had to stretch and grow and grasp for my new balance as a mother of two. I would not undo either of you, but maybe I could choose one or two other things differently.. but if I did, I wouldn't be who I am now.



Me and my girls, 12/17/10

My Infanta: This month saw you perform in not one, but two Christmas concerts! I cried as I watched you march in with your preschool class, singing so proudly and.. enthusiastically. Your teacher tells me she loves having you in my class, and on the days you're more sweetheart than stinker, I understand why.



The Infanta, 12/30/11

Elessar: What can I say, you have lived all but the first two weeks of your life so far in this year. You're still too busy with other developments to have bothered with walking yet (tonight you were learning to say "button"!); besides, crawling does you just fine! You constantly astound me with the contrast between your caution and your bold curiosity; I've been seeing this play out recently, as we go places you don't know, and you intently observe your surroundings before striking out to fearlessly explore them. You love to play with toys as much as your sister was uninterested in them, and adore the basket I keep by my feet for you to unpack.



Elessar, 12/21/2011

I look forward to the coming year, and hope I'm up to the challenges it will bring!

I love you both.

Wordless Wednesday: naptime!

Oh, how I want one right now...

Letters to My Littles: August 2011

Inspired by TouchstoneZ, I'm writing to my babies about what I've seen in them this month.

My darling Infanta: I think my mother must have wished me children just like me, because you are. At 3 years, 3 months old you are sweet, funny, smart, infuriating, contrary, a joy, and a pain in the tookus. I love how you have begun to play imagination games - taking your toys and assigning the names of people you love as you act out everyday happenings. I also love how you insist on doing the things we as your parents do - wanting your backpack in the trunk of the car with ours, or watching out for what your sister is doing. As Daddy goes back to work for the school year, you and I are beginning to renegotiate how we interact - you were so attached to him this summer that I barely saw you! Part of me welcomes the chance to reconnect, but more of me dreads the challenge; we will muddle through as always, I'm sure. :)

Elessar: you are 8.5 months old, and my playful, happy baby. "They" say you're not supposed to compare your children, but really, it's human nature. The Infanta has always been a happy kid, but your smiles make her look almost glum! You're also very interested in toys, and will happily unpack my handbasket time and again. You love solid food, and if you're in the mood, will protest my eating or drinking something and not sharing quite vocally! You are also bound and determined to get moving as soon as possible; while you've been crawling for almost two months now, you're not satisfied with that, and practice standing and even taking steps whenever possible. As I nursed you back to sleep in the middle of the night, I held you in my arms and realized how big you've gotten, wondering where my little baby went. You're so very eager to be a big kid like your sister, but please, can you stay a baby just a little longer?

Wordless Wednesday: Sisters

Knock Me Flat

I love using cloth diapers, but I lost my momentum with using them eighteen months ago; the Infanta has been primarily in disposable diapers since then. Elessar has also been in mostly 'sposies since she was born.. I make sporadic efforts to switch to cloth, but since it mostly ends up being an extra layer of stress that triggers my PPD*, I've been purposefully letting it go.

But I keep looking for inspiration to get back to my cloth. One of my Twitter mamas started talking a couple days ago about the Flats Challenge and it sounded interesting, so I checked it out and I'm in! Back when the Infanta was born we purchased a package of flats; they languished unused in a drawer until Elessar proved to be a spitty baby, and we needed burp cloths stat. I also have assorted receiving blankets that will work well, too.

Because of my PPD*, I'm going to modify my participation some (and therefore won't be linking myself to the challenge directly - they seem pretty all-or-nothing). 1) I'll be machine washing. 2) I will use 'sposies (or other diapers) as needed - at night, or if I just need to go for the "easy" route.

*I say "PPD" (post-partum depression), but I mean "PPMD" (post-partum mood disorder) because I have a lot of anxiety, too.

Wordless Wednesday: Infant care

"I nursing!"



Inspired by the daily actions around her, the Infanta has been practicing her infant care skills. If she chooses to have children, she'll know how to take care of them!

Nature Walk!

The Infanta spent most of yesterday begging to go on a nature walk. She even buckled her kiddie leash on over her nightie and started trying to drag me out the door while I was still in my own jammies! We didn't get out the door yesterday (partly because it was distinctly damp out), but I was determined to go today. Fortunately, while overcast, it wasn't actually wet, and since we had a rough start to the morning I wanted to do something to get us all happier.

Enter the Salem Audubon Preserve. It's about half a mile away from us, just past our local park, and I've been meaning to visit it for, oh three years now.. and just got there today. It's gorgeous, and we'll be going back soon!



We stopped at the store after we left the preserve, and since we passed it on the way home, the park. Happily I managed to keep the Infanta to 5 trips down the slide, so we could get home and eat lunch.

Updates..

I envy moms who find the time to post frequently with more than one small child. Maybe it's me, maybe it's my particular kids; most likely it's a combination (I never have been great at regular posting).

Elessar has been a challenge, and I'm convinced she's made it her mission in life to make sure I know she's a different person from her sister. After a couple of weeks of hours of screaming, we figured out that she's sensitive to dairy. So I've had to give up my beloved cheese... Fortunately I can still have butter and goat cheese, so I'm not entirely bereft, but it's not been easy to revamp my menu to be dairy-free. Elessar is now a very happy baby, but we're in deep trouble - she rolled over at 4 weeks, and at 2 months she's been working hard on crawling for a couple of weeks now. I would not be surprised if she crawls before 6 months.

The Infanta has been very needy as well. She hasn't turned any anger against her sister (yet), but she's definitely in the fast lane to becoming a "threenager", alternating classic toddler tantrums with intense Mama-need and utter sweetness.

Between the two - Elessar with complete physical dependence and the Infanta with major emotional neediness - I'm stretched to my limit. Fortunately I do have a good outlet with my knitting group (I go to every session for my mental health!), and I have an AMAZING support network and community of friends both near and far. I had a very bad night a few days ago, and posted a call for help on Facebook; by morning an acquaintance was at my house, washing every dish in my kitchen, and calls and messages of support are still rolling in! I'm convinced this is part of what it means that "it takes a village to raise a child" - when they're this small, mothers need community help just to function as much as the children need to learn from others when they're older.

Just a quick note..

For all of you who haven't given up on me completely:

32 weeks and counting! The Infanta was a reassuringly active baby; Elessar is a positive acrobat! When s/he's awake, I never know quite where I'm going to feel kicks/shoves/punches. S/he is, however, beginning to favor a head-down position, which is reassuring. My SPD is a pain in the arse - literally, as my sacrum is tending to be quite sore - but chiropractic care and knowing more about how to not make it worse is helping me to manage it.

A photographer friend and I went out this weekend and did a belly photo shoot. The few shots I saw were absolutely amazing, and as soon as she gets the disk of finished photos to me, I plan to post them, well, everywhere.

Part of the reason posting has been so scant in the last months is that the Infanta has hit 2.5 early and hard. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that, and to remember that her pattern her whole life has been that she hits her half-year disruptions early and hard, but once I did remember, it has made coping a lot easier. It's still difficult, especially as I'm feeling like a beached whale and mostly unable to move without pain, but at least I understand what's going on.

Edited to add: I know I'm not posting often, but I do tweet a fair amount. If you don't already track my twitterstream, I have a gadget that shows it over on the left.

Not dead, just busy

Summer has been busy, with visits from family and friends, not to mention our own activities. Plus, there's the whole surviving the heat thing.


Goofy Girl is goofy.


22w 3d

But I figure that it's been six weeks since I posted, so I thought I'd put up a bump shot. Seriously folks, I look like I did at 34ish weeks with the Infanta! Elessar is doing fine; very squirmy, and with all the right parts. I'm not enjoying the summer part of this pregnancy, but it will pass, and I'm good with everything else - especially since I have a lovely chiropractor is working hard on reducing my pelvic pain!

And yes, it was cool enough this morning that I'm wearing a sweater and jeans.

Thoughts of a Thursday

* I've made it to the second trimester! By some definitions, anyway. Others say it's not til next week. Either way, I've made it past 12 weeks, when the chances for miscarriage drop to nigh-miniscule.

* I'm trying to make myself believe that I really am pregnant, and that I really will be having a baby at the end of this year. I'm oddly detached still. With the Infanta I was so excited, so in love with my baby; this time, while I want it so much (I think ;) ), my innocence is lost and I'm a lot more reserved about bonding. I'm really looking forward to my next appointment, and the reassurance of hearing the heartbeat. I really want to feel movement... but it's too soon for that.

* The Infanta is 2. How did that happen?! She's still very sweet, bright, and usually well-behaved, but she does throw a fit every now and then. I find that the fits happen less if I give her some warning about a change that's going to happen - we're leaving the park, it's time to get dressed, time for bed, etc. That way she gets to process her reaction and is often leading the way by the time it's actually time to go! I need to remember her transition process more often; it's how I work, after all.

* Well, we're still nursing. Sort of. The Infanta has begun asking to nurse at times that we haven't at nursed in months, and the bedtime nursing is often either hard-fought (on my part) or a delay tactic (on hers). Between her lazy toddler latch and my pregnancy-sore breasts, as well as my bare trickle of a supply, nursing is very painful for me and pretty unsatisfying for her. I'm very close to calling it quits for good, but I can't quite bring myself to yet. I'm pretty sure I don't want to tandem nurse (I don't anymore, anyway), but I'm just not quite there on stopping with my darling girl.

Wordless Wednesday

Sugar and Spice and Puppy Dog's Tails

* The Infanta's going to be two in a week. Where did the time go?!

* I'm still pregnant - 10 weeks tomorrow! Morning sickness held off while I had a ferocious cold, but came roaring in when the cold left. It's not as bad as I remember from the Infanta's pregnancy... or maybe I know more about coping? I do keep having thoughts about "why did I think this was a good idea again?"

* My SPD is kicking in. Not so much in front, although I've had a few itchy twinges there, but more in my left sacro-iliac joint. If I didn't know better I might say it was sciatica, but I do know better. I really hope it doesn't get any more painful than it is right now, but again, I know better. I guess I'd better get a form for a temp handicapped placard for my midwife to fill out sooner rather than later. Maybe when we go by the DMV to renew my permit?

* Having no (or almost no) knitting mojo thanks to first trimester exhaustion is really frustrating. Okay, first trimester exhaustion is frustrating all on its own, but not being able to knit much really sucks. So many things I want to work on, so little energy to do it with... so I'm focusing on J's father's day socks, and hoping I'll be able to get them done in time.

* I'm liking doing the Wordless Wednesday thing, because it means I'm actually actively taking pictures, *and* getting them off my camera.

Wordless Wednesday

Just by the by, all the pictures I post that look awesome were probably taken by Josh. All the others I probably took. I have my gifts, but genius in graphic arts isn't among them.

Wordless Wednesday

In the interest of soothing certain grandmotherly desires for more posts, I'm succumbing to a meme. :)

Snapshots in time

I'm sitting playing a computer game while dinner cooks, and listening to L read to herself. She's sitting on her bed, paging through books we've read to her, narrating the stories, identifying animals when she knows them, and even making the right noise from time to time. We can always tell when she's reading her Thomas book, from the exclamations of "Thoma'" and "Moo! Moo!" (there's a cow on the tracks at one point that Thomas must wait for).

I dearly hope that she retains her sweet, intelligent charm as she grows older.

Notes from the Trenches: End of March Updates

How did it get to the end of the month already?! Oh, I know: chasing a busy toddler around.

For the year's goals:

1. How do I forget about this one? The Infanta has become a smidge less frustrating, though, so it's a little easier to appreciate her. More on that in a bit.

2. With A's help I made myself a nightie a couple of weeks ago! It's super comfy, and we're plotting a day to work on jammies for the girls - with, I hope, someone to watch the girls so we can concentrate on sewing.

3. Not much relaxation on the pregnancy issue here, but I'm at about three weeks on no soda. It's still not easy, and I don't really like that I've taken to coffee in the mornings, but I do feel better. I think. On the other hand, my cycle has been doing weird things for a few months, and I'm still trying to figure out what and why.

4. Not doing so great on the housework, but I have at least gotten to a place where I'll be in the kitchen waiting for something to cook, and will realize that I have a few minutes in which to, say, load the dishwasher. It's not consistent, but it does happen. Also, it's fairly easy to get frustrated and pick up the Infanta's bedroom (more on that below).

5. Again, not doing to great on this... but I at least think about it. Last week we had some truly gorgeous weather, and all three of us got out to enjoy it. I even got out to the garden, which I weeded, and then planted sugar peas and onions. I think I might still be sore from that... This week is promising to be stormy; March going out like a lion this year, so getting out will be problematic. Still, I'm thinking about it, and that's a start!

The Infanta is finally coming out of 18-21 month hell. She's sweet, cheerful, social, mischievous, and turning into a proper little geek. Around the beginning of this month I got tired of watching Thomas the Tank Engine all the time, and instead started watching the new Doctor Who series. As a result, the Infanta will ask to see "Thoma'?" as well as "Doctie?". But the we watched The Goblet of Fire the other night... and during the scene in which Barty Crouch Jr is unmasked, she was pointing at David Tennant on the screen and saying "Doctie? Doctie? Doctie!" One of my worst trials with her right now is that when she's playing with the Quiet One, she's more likely than not to pull hair and shove. So to deal with that and teach the Infanta that that's not acceptable while simultaneously not feeding the Quiet One's incipient dramatic tendencies is... a challenge.

Weaning is actually going surprisingly well, and thank you all for your supportive comments on the subject. It does help to know that you all are out there and caring! At the beginning of Josh's Spring Break we turned my office into the Infanta's bedroom. To all appearances so far, she loves having her own room, and will ask to go play in it (we have it gated off still). With the time change she began sleeping almost all night, and with her own room she's started sleeping all night! So I haven't had to worry about night weaning, the Infanta has done that herself. I had tried to drop our morning nursing session at first, and that wasn't going so well, but after a day on which she napped easily without nursing I decided to drop that session instead. So we're down to only bedtime and morning, which suits me fine. The Infanta does seem to have finally picked up that I deliberately stopped, as she's been asking to "nuss" more in the last couple of days, and is very eager when it is time, but she accepts more or less gracefully when I say no.

That's the highlights from the trenches right now.

Checking in about checking out

February was a difficult month for me. March looks like it's going to be harder.

There has been a lot going on; visits with friends and the Olympics to name a couple. A brought Baby J home, and we've spent a good deal of time hanging out, and I've gotten to enjoy her teeny sweetness a lot. A swears that Baby J needs me to hold her in order to poop, and so far we haven't seen anything to disprove that. (oh, darn, I have to snuggle the tiny one?) I also decided that for the sake of my own sanity, I needed to cut down how much the Infanta was nursing; she's down to about three times a day (plus whatever during the night, which has become usually not all that much), and has taken it pretty well. She still asks, but accepts when I say no, because it's not time.

The Infanta also dove straight into a huge developmental and physical growth leap in the last couple of weeks. Her clothes are getting short, and her language sophistication increases by the day. As the natural flip side, she's also become prone to ginormous tantrums, as incidents insignificant to us trigger huge emotions that she doesn't know how to cope with yet... not to mention the further development of her contrary side. (I wonder where she got that?) It's very difficult and frustrating for us to cope with, but nothing anyone who's parented a toddler hasn't dealt with. Still, it's new to us, and J and I are struggling to figure out our compromises in parenting style at the same time the Infanta's changing so rapidly.

Trouble is, I'm beginning to not do so well all on my lonesome. I was able to almost forget about the baby (babies) I should have been carrying for a little while, but I have become aware again, and the grief is triggering my depression. I've found myself dissociating a lot in the last few days, and beginning to lose interest in pursuits I'd been enjoying. It's like that last pregnancy was more real to me, because I was so aware of it and had it confirmed so clearly, and had allowed myself to hope... and then those hopes were dashed as I knew the moment I passed what baby there was. And now I know exactly how far along I'd be, because the due date would have been the same as the Infanta's... It's not that I'm dwelling on it. It's that I'm trying to go about my life, but it's reaching up and dragging me away from that life - I had gotten so far behind on dishes, for example, that I ran two loads today and still couldn't get them all. and I won't talk about how long some of this laundry's been waiting to be folded. But... I don't cry easily, not for myself, and had forgotten until a week and a half ago that I hadn't cried about this last miscarriage. At that time, I was able to squeeze out a little moisture, because I was at a memorial... and a couple of nights ago someone said something that made me tear up a little... but I still haven't *really* cried, and I can feel something like a tidal wave building up, and I don't know how to let it out.

Cuteness of the day

A, the Quiet One, and the new one are here for a few hours. Since they arrived at lunchtime, we all sat at the table and ate. The Infanta was in her high chair, but since we only have one, the Quiet One was bouncing around, doing things on a regular chair fit to give me a heart attack.

At almost the end of the meal, the Infanta (who been listening to a chorus of this the whole time) said, "Quiet One* sit down!" When the Quiet One sat(!), the Infanta followed with "Thank you!"

*Herself actually used the real name here.