Wednesday, January 14, 2009

14. I hate January.

I try to keep a distinction between hatred and dislike. I try to reserve the energy of hatred for things or people that have actively caused harm - usually to me personally, but sometimes to others. Other things I feel negatively towards, but that haven't caused harm, I try to keep at "intensely dislike".

I hate January. I've been pretty sure for a long time that I have some level of SAD, but it hadn't hit me very hard in the last few years; in the past, I've endured some of the deepest depressions of my life in this month - I definitely call that harm. This year, with Velcro Girl and her Amazing Late Evening Naps, the agony of January has been back in full force. Last night, after she was finally asleep, and after Daddy was out, too, I found myself having an anxiety attack, desperate for someone to pass the Mommy buck to, if only for a few hours. It didn't help that I'd looked at my SAHM meetup group and discovered that a person I do. not. like. has joined it.

Now, I won't say I like everyone in the world, far from it, but I can manage to rub along okay with most people. When I actively dislike someone, it's a whole different ballgame. I dislike this particular person enough that I am likely to avoid any events she attends (even if they were events I would be attending without her), and I would be considering leaving the group if I weren't pretty positive that she is unpleasant enough that she's going to get herself booted before long anyway. At least, I really hope so. She hasn't actually harmed me or anyone I care about, though (although I do believe she's tried), so I can't quite hate her. I'm pretty close, though. I did go so far as to send an email to the group's organizer about how this person is baaad news, though...

I did manage to get to sleep, and that helped a lot of the anxiety. I also plan to nap with the Infanta this afternoon - maybe that way we'll both rest better.


Mama Nirvana said...

Hugs, Katie. Sorry things are tough right now.

Nothing spins me out in the head more than finding out something similar to what you found out. I start playing out a million different scenarios and it can drive me insane (literally).

It's best to just talk it out and try your best not to let that person have any power over you.

Take care,

caramama said...

I'm sorry to hear that things are tough for you. You know that I hate January (heck, all winter) too. Feel free to email me if you want any of the coping mechanisms I've figured out that work for me!

Oh, but the bright side is that if it's seasonal, you know it will end. Just that thought alone gets me through some rough times.