Monday, May 18, 2009

Life goes on... soon.

And now I get to start integrating our loss into living life.

After a morning spent wrangling with advice nurses (I swear one was trying to convince me that nothing was wrong), I got an appointment for this afternoon with an OB. He read my charts, listened to my story, took a look, and yup, no question about what, was going on. He was wonderful, actually. Listening to my story, he asked questions at the right points and showed supportive reactions to others. He was also very compassionate and very sympathetic, using lots of eye contact and making sure I understood what was going on and what we need to do from here.

Which is some more waiting. I fed the vampires* so they could check my hCG count again; if that's clearly going down, then we can pretty much just sit back. If not, then we get to talk D&C. I'm rooting for option A, myself.

But I think I'm just about done lingering, except for that last bit of waiting. It's done, anything more will be cleanup. I'm not trying to push my grief away, the more because I'm not good at mourning, but I'm trying to learn how to integrate it with my joy in and love for the Infanta. Mama and Daddy are having a rough time (his is a whole nother story), but she's also having her own stuff, with learning to walk and an apparent growth spurt... and a birthday just around the corner! Also, I have four good friends expecting babies this summer and fall, one of whom I'm going to be doula for again; I've been joyful for them until now, and I want neither to stop being happy for them, nor to let my grief and envy sour our friendships.

I believe every pregnancy happens for a reason. I wish this one had not ended this way, but it did. I also believe that, although the soul that was attached to this baby couldn't stay, she or he will find the parents he or she is meant to be with. If that's with us, fantastic. If not... some other soul will come to bless us, and I hope it's sooner rather than later!

eta - this doesn't mean I won't gratefully accept hugs!!!

* old family term for getting blood drawn for testing, invented when I was a kid and had six months of strep throat - I had so many blood tests done then that I practically had track marks!


Mama Nirvana said...

I hope the waiting isn't too much longer. You have definitely been on my mind this past week.


nicola said...

i am just catching up. oh, huge virtual hugs being sent to you. :(

mom said...

cead mille zen hugs,Petunia!

caramama said...

Big big hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through this!

I felt the same way about the soul of my dear angel.