We spent the day at the Portland Zoo, which was much fun, and I have pictures to post, but I'll probably do that tomorrow. Tonight I need to write about something else.
Last month we got our "babydancing" timing right. I had two glorious weeks of pregnancy symptoms: heartburn, nausea (but not too bad), full breasts, the whole nine yards - even my pelvis went "sproing"! And then I had a period - or what I thought might have been a period. At the time it started, I was hoping it might be implantation bleeding... The flow was very rich, and had a bunch of little clots, and even something that might had been a teeny lump of tissue. Sad, but early miscarriages or "chemical pregnancies" happen all the time; supposedly most women who have them don't even notice anything other than maybe a heavy period. I knew what was happening, and it made me sad not only because I want another baby, but also because I knew what I was going to be missing. But it was done, nothing to do but start trying again.
Fast forward to last Friday. Late morning I was in pretty significant pain which felt like it was probably a UTI (and it was, see my posts the last few days...). Making things more complicated was that I was having bloody discharge - not bloody urine - which confused the heck out of me and the nurse who initially saw me. The nurse decided that my case was beyond her, and referred me to a clinician. Almost the first thing the clinician did was apply a pregnancy test to my urine sample - which came up positive! Yay! But. There was still the issue of my bleeding. So, she decided to run blood tests for a 48-hour comparison of hCG levels. The first draw was Friday, the second Sunday, hence my reason to leave the Mother's Day celebration a bit early. And then I had to wait.
The bleeding resolved by Sunday evening, which I thought was a hopeful sign. Monday the clinician wasn't on duty; she said her partner might call with the results. I was tempted to call the clinic, or simply show up in person... but I didn't. I received no call from them, either, and I chose to interpret that as not negative news, and cautiously told a few friends last night.
And then the clinician called this morning at about three minutes past 9, while I was sitting on my porch waiting for our ride to the zoo, with the news. My hCG levels had dropped markedly between the two samples; I am not successfully pregnant this cycle.
I'm sad. I already mourned this possible pregnancy, then had my hopes raised, and now dashed again. I'm by no means inconsolable - I pretty much forgot the whole thing during the day today! But once again, not only did I want this very much, but I know exactly what I'm missing, that I'll have to wait a while longer to have again. There's not really any way to know at what point I conceived, whether it was in April or since that weird bleed, but I choose to believe that that is the pregnancy I'm not keeping now, and I will probably always now meet that possible due date with a little touch of melancholy.
Now it's time to cry a few tears, mourn this baby-not-to-be, and get myself as healthy as I can manage so that next time this will work.