I Love My Friends

I've put myself on bedrest for the last few days; my body has given notice that I need to STOP for a bit, so I'm doing my best. Trouble is... bedrest is nigh impossible with a 16 month old. So, I've ended up leaning on some wonderful people to help wrangle the Infanta so that I don't have to be up and down chasing her all day. Sunday Josh managed her, despite his lingering nasty cold. Yesterday I called my friend Amber, whose daughter is about a month older than the Infanta; they came and spent a mellow afternoon. It helps that the girls play well together (as much as babies their age are capable of it). Today my friend Katie came over, bringing her boys. Katie rocked my world. She came over with the intent of not only keeping me company and distracting the Infanta, but also of cleaning the house. And clean she did! The instant she walked in, she started picking up toys (which the kids naturally promptly started taking out again). She moved from there to clearing the dining room table, and thence to starting a load of dishes. She paused a bit there to watch part of a movie and knit a bit, but then she hopped up again, picked the toys up, and vacuumed. Then she did another load of dishes, following that up with cleaning assorted counter clutter. Then, as she left, she remarked that she was lazy today! Because, you see, she'd intended to do laundry as well, and didn't get to it!

Tomorrow Josh will be home again, taking care of his cold, and incidentally wrangling Herself. I'm hoping that I won't need the help much past this week, that this rest will be enough to ease my troubles; I have seen signs that I may be healing as I hoped, but I certainly don't want to jeopardize that healing by taking too much on again too soon.

Salmon my savior

Following last night's pumpkin mac disaster, I pulled a piece of salmon out of the freezer and made this. It took a great deal longer than it should have (twice the recommended cooking time, grr..) because I didn't pull the fish out to defrost early enough, and it went into the oven still partially frozen. Still, once it was finally done, it was delicious! I threw together some garlic rosemary potatoes on the fly to round out the meal... they also took a bit longer to cook than I'd hoped, but potatoes seem always to do so for me.

Josh, thank you for putting up with my occasionally ..experimental cooking. I love you.

How to make Pumpkin Mac

1) Decide to have chili mac for dinner, so ask husband to get chili out of the freezer. This step is key.

2) Start defrosting the container you assume contains chili.

3) Begin making mac & cheese as usual (yes, it's out of a box. sue me.)

4) Upon reaching the stage of adding the chili, dump the contents of the freezer container without ever seeing what they actually are.

5) Realize the mix-up when what you've dumped into the pasta HAS NO BEANS.

6) Go for broke and add the sorts of spices you'd add to any pumpkin or squash dish.

I think it's actually quite edible, even though it's not at all what I had in mind. Since Josh dislikes winter squash he's not so happy, though... I think I owe him a salmon dinner tomorrow night!

Girl meets Box

I looked up this morning to see the Infanta squeezed into a box, so I reached for my camera. I didn't catch her sitting down again, but she sure is cute anyway...

Labor Song

Breakfast for Dinner

Although stuffed on eggs and polenta, the Infanta apparently can't eat too much bacon. Definitely her father's daughter!

Threefer Thursday

1) I got to check the inside of the Infanta's mouth this afternoon, and three more molars are peeking through. It's just one point each so far, but they're there. She also has at least one canine trying to make it in... That's everything but her second year molars making an appearance, and she's still short an incisor. I'm beginning to wonder vaguely if I should be concerned. But only vaguely.

2) I have three client meetings in three days this week! Makes me feel like a real doula or something. One's a postpartum visit, one's mostly a formality with a mom that (re)hired me in February (the instant she got the positive test, basically), and only one's a new client... but still! Business! It's awesome!

3) Did you know that I tweet? (In case you didn't know, that's the commonly accepted present tense for the verb to Twitter.) I succumbed a few months back when I discovered that the Yarn Harlot tweets... and I'm hooked. *sigh* Anyway, if you don't get a Twitter feed yourself, you can follow my random thoughts over on the sidebar. It's currently stuck a ways down, but I'll move it higher at some point.

Leaps and Bounds

The Infanta's communication ability is growing daily - even hourly, sometimes. Her three signs count for five words - "all done", "nurse"/"out", "more"/"food". She can say "cat", "dada", "mama", and another I'll mention later, and babbles in very sophisticated-seeming ways. She nods "yes" and shakes her head "no", and will respond appropriately to some surprisingly complex questions. During mealtimes, she'll often reach for whatever's on the fork, but if we say "let Mama (Daddy) do it", she'll put her hands down and let us feed her (usually).

This afternoon, she asked to be put in the play pen. She did it with signs and gestures, but when I asked if that was what she was saying, she nodded emphatically. When I set her in, she settled down happily to play.

Her current favorite word, though? "No!"

It sneaks up on you

All this month so far, I keep thinking randomly: "I should have been five months pregnant." I didn't think I would still be hurting this much at this point. I know I will never be 'done' grieving, but I didn't think it would still feel this fresh. What will New Year's bring? That would have been my due date.

Took a moment..

When I saw this post on my reader, I thought it must be pointing to one of the birth blogs I follow, not a gardening blog.

This'n'that

It was a long, hard week last week. The coming weeks don't look like they'll be much better, in some ways; easier in others, I hope.

In no particular order:

A mom I know is in the process of losing her baby at 26-27 weeks. I'm not close friends with her, but it's agonizing to watch even at this remove.

Josh and I had a humdinger of a fight. It's more or less resolved now, but wasn't fun while it lasted.

I've started the process of night weaning the Infanta, partly in preparation for moving her out of our bedroom. It's not going so well, partly because I'm having a really hard time with how hard she cries (and how firmly she refuses to sleep) when she doesn't nurse as long as usual overnight. She usually only wakes me a couple of times during the hours I'm trying to wean, but that's not the point. This is one of the things I don't see getting more fun anytime soon.

And then today I discovered that the fall changes to the bus routes not only meant that one of the buses I use frequently is no longer free, but they also cut significant portions of the service to our side of town. On the one hand, this is going to be rough on our already very limited budget, not to mention that it means that I can basically only go downtown from home, not at all to pretty much anywhere else on this side of the river. On the other, I'm taking it as incentive to finally get my damn driver's license. Of course, then we'll have to work out the car situation...

Still, fall has begun, and not everything in my life sucks right now. :)

Guerilla theater

This is brilliant, and reminds me of something my high school drama class did one afternoon. Enjoy!

Fifteen Months

Fifteen months ago today, you were the most precious newborn ever.

Today: you walk - nearly run! You speak - even in words! You say "hi", "cat", "dada", and sometimes "mama", nod and shake your head (mostly shake), and sign "nurse", "more", and "all done" in increasingly more sophisticated ways every day. You love to empty containers; your favorites are my purse and whatever basket of clothes is closest. You love books - preferably for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but you "read" them as well. While you still nurse more than anything, you cheerfully try any food or drink we offer (or don't offer); even if you immediately spit it out, you are always game to try it again. You love being outside - anywhere outside - more than being anywhere inside. You have learned the pleasures of cuddling soft toys like stuffed animals.

You are smart, curious, inquisitive, sweet, cheerful, social, and my dear, darling, precious, beautiful girl. I love you more than words can say.

P.S. I love you even more on those rare night that you get to sleep easily. This was not one of them.

I wish it was labor.

Because at least if it was labor, it would be *doing* something, and I'd get a baby at the end of it.

As it is, it's "just" cramps, but cramps as bad as I've ever gotten them.

At least I don't get them this bad *every* month...

Elessar

We spent several days this week watching the Lord of the Rings extended movies. We've gotten hooked into a new (to us) computer game, and having a movie on in the background not only gives us something else to think about, but also (sometimes) helps distract the Infanta, who is otherwise constantly up in my lap wanting to nurse. Call us bad parents for babysitting with movies if you like, we won't deny it, but sometimes a mom has GOT to make some room for herself.

Anyway, I was struck by something. As some of you, my faithful readers, know, Aragorn's milk-name was Elessar, an Elvish word that means 'hope'. The Elvish portions of the dialogue often bounce the word around, one of the most profound moments being the conversation where Elrond gives Aragorn the sword Anduril. I'm paraphrasing here, but Elrond says to Aragorn that he is the hope of Men, and Aragorn replies that he keeps none for himself. Despite this pessimistic remark, Aragorn is consistently Gandalf's voice of optimism. Twice during the films, Gandalf has time to stop and worry about how he's sent Frodo on a fool's errand, and begins to despair of Frodo's chances for success. Both times, however, Aragorn speaks with the voice of hope, and prompts Gandalf to realize that he really does believe it may work, pushing back the threatening despair.

If it wasn't 11:30 at night after a loooong week of juggling a fussing toddler I could probably pull that into a thesis, but it is, so I'll just leave it at that observation. Still, isn't that interesting? What do you all think?

Stacey and Calum

Go check it out!

I've got another think coming.

Today Bethany and (and ours girls) went and visited Karinda. On the one hand, we wanted to see her gorgeous new baby, and on the other, to help out with a few household chores. We probably stayed a bit longer than we should have, especially given how exhausted Karinda was, but she was glad that in addition to fiddling with food donations, dishes, and even laundry, we were able to take her 2.75 yo son out to play for a good hour or so.

Towards the end of our visit, I got a chance to snuggle the beautiful brand-new baby. The Infanta happened to be more or less in my lap at the same time, and at first did very well with the newborn in my arms. She was very interested, and did an excellent job of patting the baby very softly and lightly. Then the baby woke up enough to begin rooting for a breast, and the Infanta didn't like that so much. In fact, she got downright upset, even jealous; she started protesting loudly and trying to climb into my arms over the newborn. I'd already been about to hand the baby back to her mother, but it got difficult when Herself was practically pulling the squishy bundle out of my arms in her upset eagerness to be in them herself. It was obvious that she did. not. want. to share me, and that the thought of another baby getting at "her" milk supply was intolerable. So, it has become obvious to me that we will have to prepare her carefully for sharing nursing whenever we manage to have a sibling coming. I'm not sure how we'll do this, not yet anyway, but I'm sure we'll think of something.

Interestingly, once the baby was back in her mother's arms and latched on to her proper breast, the Infanta went back to watching interestedly, and even signed "nurse" - not requesting it, but identifying what she was seeing. I knew she was a smart cookie, but is this usual at 15 months?

Symptoms and speculations

Skipped a day again. I would give up on the resolution and just say "as often as possible", but that would end up with me posting fortnightly again. And I don't want to do that.

In regard the tender nipple portion of my post on Friday, Karen remarks, "...last time I had that particular symptom, I ended up with a son nine months later." I wish it was that easy. Sadly, that particular symptom is most likely simply what it's always been for me - simply part of my cycle, just more difficult to bear because my nipples are in actual use. On the other hand, just before I started this post, the Infanta was hanging off my lap (as she often does), and I suddenly could. not. bear. to have her touch me. So maybe there's something to speculate about this month, after all. I'm not counting on it, but naturally I would be thrilled.

I spent a week or two this month freaking out about why my body might not be keeping pregnancies. I do still plan to call and get myself checked out, but I would guess that they probably won't want to see me yet (not "enough" losses). So... I've decided to continue trying, but also trying to be more mellow about it. I do still feel the crunch of time, but in the long run, stressing about it won't help anything, and might even make things take longer. I'm attempting to adopt an attitude of "it'll happen when it happens".

Just remind me of this next time I'm freaking out, okay?

It's past my bed time

but I thought you all should know what we had for dinner. The latkes were all right, but the cake is fantastic! Especially with my signature piles of whipped cream. :D

Ugh.

So, three days into my new posting resolution... and I skip a day. It wasn't my fault, though! I decided to swap the operating system, and making it work took a lot longer than we expected. But as of this afternoon, I'm back online.

This week has been a very long one in some ways, and very short in others. Two good friends had their babies (Stacey on Wednesday, Karinda just today), Br. Vincent visited, and so on. This is fairly TMI, but my breasts have been very tender this week, rendering nursing very uncomfortable. The Infanta has been beginning to take more chances with what she can do, and so her collection of war injuries, as of this evening, includes two splits in her lip and a bruise on her cheek.

We said farewell to Br. Vincent this morning, delivering him to visit his dad in Newport. I'm not sure when we'll get to see him in person again, but I'm sure we'll have plenty of good times online, as we generally do (when life doesn't have us too busy).

Tonight I am exhausted. I ache in body and soul, and am beginning to dread overnight, knowing that the Infanta is likely to nurse much as she did last night - not often (she only woke me twice), but long, and persistently (owie!!!!). I'm beginning to have thoughts about night weaning, but am not sure I'm up to the battle that I have no question it will be.

I am looking forward to the weekend, however. I have knitting tomorrow afternoon, and the weather has cooled significantly. I hope you all have good ones!