I was just chatting with a friend about the need to write. She's the sort of person for whom writing is a much-needed creative outlet. She a good one, too; she writes thoughtful, lyrical blog posts, and often has me giggling at her tweets.
Me? Sometimes I need to write; sometimes I have something to say that needs to be said *just* right, in that polished way you can only get by writing and rewriting. Here's the thing tho: depression stops me.
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When I was in college, I found that I had good ideas for papers, and good theses, but my execution sucked. I could actually feel the mental fog that blocked the way between my ideas and their manifestation. Nearly a decade later, on medication and pursuing lighter topics, I still have the fog. It's lighter now, and I can often make out the path between A and N, but..... I have allowed inertia to prevail, and I turn my creative energy to outlets like knitting.
Depression still affects my knitting, any glance at my mess of half-finished projects will reveal that, but it doesn't matter as much. These projects will wait patiently for me to return to them. This is not to say that writing won't, but when it comes to blogging, I feel the pressure of all the posts I haven't written, all the (probably imagined) reader expectations I haven't fulfilled, and it stops me dead. So I knit, and sometimes sew, and mostly don't blog.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Letters to My Littles: August 2011
Inspired by TouchstoneZ, I'm writing to my babies about what I've seen in them this month.
My darling Infanta: I think my mother must have wished me children just like me, because you are. At 3 years, 3 months old you are sweet, funny, smart, infuriating, contrary, a joy, and a pain in the tookus. I love how you have begun to play imagination games - taking your toys and assigning the names of people you love as you act out everyday happenings. I also love how you insist on doing the things we as your parents do - wanting your backpack in the trunk of the car with ours, or watching out for what your sister is doing. As Daddy goes back to work for the school year, you and I are beginning to renegotiate how we interact - you were so attached to him this summer that I barely saw you! Part of me welcomes the chance to reconnect, but more of me dreads the challenge; we will muddle through as always, I'm sure. :)
Elessar: you are 8.5 months old, and my playful, happy baby. "They" say you're not supposed to compare your children, but really, it's human nature. The Infanta has always been a happy kid, but your smiles make her look almost glum! You're also very interested in toys, and will happily unpack my handbasket time and again. You love solid food, and if you're in the mood, will protest my eating or drinking something and not sharing quite vocally! You are also bound and determined to get moving as soon as possible; while you've been crawling for almost two months now, you're not satisfied with that, and practice standing and even taking steps whenever possible. As I nursed you back to sleep in the middle of the night, I held you in my arms and realized how big you've gotten, wondering where my little baby went. You're so very eager to be a big kid like your sister, but please, can you stay a baby just a little longer?
My darling Infanta: I think my mother must have wished me children just like me, because you are. At 3 years, 3 months old you are sweet, funny, smart, infuriating, contrary, a joy, and a pain in the tookus. I love how you have begun to play imagination games - taking your toys and assigning the names of people you love as you act out everyday happenings. I also love how you insist on doing the things we as your parents do - wanting your backpack in the trunk of the car with ours, or watching out for what your sister is doing. As Daddy goes back to work for the school year, you and I are beginning to renegotiate how we interact - you were so attached to him this summer that I barely saw you! Part of me welcomes the chance to reconnect, but more of me dreads the challenge; we will muddle through as always, I'm sure. :)
Elessar: you are 8.5 months old, and my playful, happy baby. "They" say you're not supposed to compare your children, but really, it's human nature. The Infanta has always been a happy kid, but your smiles make her look almost glum! You're also very interested in toys, and will happily unpack my handbasket time and again. You love solid food, and if you're in the mood, will protest my eating or drinking something and not sharing quite vocally! You are also bound and determined to get moving as soon as possible; while you've been crawling for almost two months now, you're not satisfied with that, and practice standing and even taking steps whenever possible. As I nursed you back to sleep in the middle of the night, I held you in my arms and realized how big you've gotten, wondering where my little baby went. You're so very eager to be a big kid like your sister, but please, can you stay a baby just a little longer?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Igorina
So, my good friend Stephania and I did something extremely cool. If you're a knitter, you're probably aware that Sock Summit is coming up... and ifhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif yohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifu're aware of Sock Summit, you probably know about Fleece to Foot and the accompanying Design for Glory.
I was whining one afternoon about a test-knit I was working on; next thing I knew, I had Steph saying, "We should enter Design For Glory. I'm thinking a steampunk theme." And.. a few days later (amid pencil smears, crisped brain cells, dirty diapers, and "helpful" toddlers) we had an entry. Lace, gears, sprockets, a ruffle.. bits you might find in a mad knitter's workbasket.
The pattern will be available soon; no promises, but we're hoping for either at Sock Summit or soon after.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Slow Cooker Chili
This is a staple meal at our house - I make it at least once a month, and it's seldom that I don't have any stashed in the freezer. Since this is more of a technique than a precise recipe, there are few exact measurements, but I come up with about the same amount every time. My slow cooker holds (I believe) 7 quarts; you could easily halve everything for a smaller model. Because it takes a couple of days, it does require some advance planning.. but every time I make it, I feel like I've spent no effort on cooking a hearty dish that will feed us for several meals. It's also very easily adapted to specific dietary requirements: for example, it's entirely gluten free, and both vegan and fat-free until (unless) you put meat in.
48 hours before mealtime:
Soak two cups pinto beans in about 4 cups water with a tablespoon or so of baking soda. I like to do this part while making dinner, or just before bedtime.
24 hours in advance:
Drain the beans. Place them with 8c water in a large slow cooker on low. Add about a tablespoon each of chili powder and ground cumin. I also add one chipotle at this point; we're wimpy when it comes to heat.* Naturally, esteemed reader, you'll have different spice/flavor preferences. Also stir in one chopped large onion and a handful (6-8 cloves) of chopped garlic. Cover and go about your business. Again, I generally do this right before bedtime, with a plan of chili for dinner the next day.
Next morning:
Give the beans a stir. Add about a tablespoon of salt, and pepper to taste. Add crushed tomatoes: I get best results with about a quart (often a 29 ounce can), but have also used lesser amounts successfully. Obviously, more tomatoes means more added liquid; take that into account. I think I managed to burn (yes, in a crock pot!) my earliest attempt at this because of inadequate liquid. If I'm using it, I add a pound of browned meat at this point as well.** This timing assumes you're making this for dinner; it's around 12 hours after the beans are started.
A few hours before serving:
Crush and stir in a double handful of tortilla chips (I've used corn Chex in a pinch). If after a bit it's still more liquid than you prefer, add some more chips. Adjust your seasonings, and eat when you're ready!
We like to serve this with cheese and sour cream, and to eat it with chips or rice.
This is a very flexible recipe; many of the cooking times are much longer than they absolutely need to be, so you could do it in less time. This is how I've worked it into my routine, experiment and see how it works into yours!
Many thanks to my friend Helen who posted the version I adapted this from.
*When I open a can of chipotles, I freeze the lot individually in an ice cube tray, each with a little sauce. Very handy!
**We like stew beef the best, but I often use ground beef. I've also tried ground chicken. Ground turkey or pork would work as well. Or be a rebel and don't use any - it's just as good!
48 hours before mealtime:
Soak two cups pinto beans in about 4 cups water with a tablespoon or so of baking soda. I like to do this part while making dinner, or just before bedtime.
24 hours in advance:
Drain the beans. Place them with 8c water in a large slow cooker on low. Add about a tablespoon each of chili powder and ground cumin. I also add one chipotle at this point; we're wimpy when it comes to heat.* Naturally, esteemed reader, you'll have different spice/flavor preferences. Also stir in one chopped large onion and a handful (6-8 cloves) of chopped garlic. Cover and go about your business. Again, I generally do this right before bedtime, with a plan of chili for dinner the next day.
Next morning:
Give the beans a stir. Add about a tablespoon of salt, and pepper to taste. Add crushed tomatoes: I get best results with about a quart (often a 29 ounce can), but have also used lesser amounts successfully. Obviously, more tomatoes means more added liquid; take that into account. I think I managed to burn (yes, in a crock pot!) my earliest attempt at this because of inadequate liquid. If I'm using it, I add a pound of browned meat at this point as well.** This timing assumes you're making this for dinner; it's around 12 hours after the beans are started.
A few hours before serving:
Crush and stir in a double handful of tortilla chips (I've used corn Chex in a pinch). If after a bit it's still more liquid than you prefer, add some more chips. Adjust your seasonings, and eat when you're ready!
We like to serve this with cheese and sour cream, and to eat it with chips or rice.
This is a very flexible recipe; many of the cooking times are much longer than they absolutely need to be, so you could do it in less time. This is how I've worked it into my routine, experiment and see how it works into yours!
Many thanks to my friend Helen who posted the version I adapted this from.
*When I open a can of chipotles, I freeze the lot individually in an ice cube tray, each with a little sauce. Very handy!
**We like stew beef the best, but I often use ground beef. I've also tried ground chicken. Ground turkey or pork would work as well. Or be a rebel and don't use any - it's just as good!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Saw that coming..
I'm glad I went into the whole flats challenge know I'd need an out, because I woke up this morning into what in retrospect seems to have been a huge anxiety attack. I was shaking, so touched-out I couldn't bear my own touch.. Bless my SIL Anna for coming and taking the Infanta off my hands for the afternoon. I was able to calm down, even nap for a couple of hours.. but no way was I going to be able to cloth diaper today.
Tomorrow's a fresh chance, right?
Tomorrow's a fresh chance, right?
Monday, May 23, 2011
Knock Me Flat
I love using cloth diapers, but I lost my momentum with using them eighteen months ago; the Infanta has been primarily in disposable diapers since then. Elessar has also been in mostly 'sposies since she was born.. I make sporadic efforts to switch to cloth, but since it mostly ends up being an extra layer of stress that triggers my PPD*, I've been purposefully letting it go.
But I keep looking for inspiration to get back to my cloth. One of my Twitter mamas started talking a couple days ago about the Flats Challenge and it sounded interesting, so I checked it out and I'm in! Back when the Infanta was born we purchased a package of flats; they languished unused in a drawer until Elessar proved to be a spitty baby, and we needed burp cloths stat. I also have assorted receiving blankets that will work well, too.
Because of my PPD*, I'm going to modify my participation some (and therefore won't be linking myself to the challenge directly - they seem pretty all-or-nothing). 1) I'll be machine washing. 2) I will use 'sposies (or other diapers) as needed - at night, or if I just need to go for the "easy" route.
*I say "PPD" (post-partum depression), but I mean "PPMD" (post-partum mood disorder) because I have a lot of anxiety, too.
But I keep looking for inspiration to get back to my cloth. One of my Twitter mamas started talking a couple days ago about the Flats Challenge and it sounded interesting, so I checked it out and I'm in! Back when the Infanta was born we purchased a package of flats; they languished unused in a drawer until Elessar proved to be a spitty baby, and we needed burp cloths stat. I also have assorted receiving blankets that will work well, too.
Because of my PPD*, I'm going to modify my participation some (and therefore won't be linking myself to the challenge directly - they seem pretty all-or-nothing). 1) I'll be machine washing. 2) I will use 'sposies (or other diapers) as needed - at night, or if I just need to go for the "easy" route.
*I say "PPD" (post-partum depression), but I mean "PPMD" (post-partum mood disorder) because I have a lot of anxiety, too.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wordless Wednesday: Infant care
"I nursing!"
Inspired by the daily actions around her, the Infanta has been practicing her infant care skills. If she chooses to have children, she'll know how to take care of them!
Friday, May 06, 2011
Nature Walk!
The Infanta spent most of yesterday begging to go on a nature walk. She even buckled her kiddie leash on over her nightie and started trying to drag me out the door while I was still in my own jammies! We didn't get out the door yesterday (partly because it was distinctly damp out), but I was determined to go today. Fortunately, while overcast, it wasn't actually wet, and since we had a rough start to the morning I wanted to do something to get us all happier.
Enter the Salem Audubon Preserve. It's about half a mile away from us, just past our local park, and I've been meaning to visit it for, oh three years now.. and just got there today. It's gorgeous, and we'll be going back soon!
We stopped at the store after we left the preserve, and since we passed it on the way home, the park. Happily I managed to keep the Infanta to 5 trips down the slide, so we could get home and eat lunch.
Enter the Salem Audubon Preserve. It's about half a mile away from us, just past our local park, and I've been meaning to visit it for, oh three years now.. and just got there today. It's gorgeous, and we'll be going back soon!
We stopped at the store after we left the preserve, and since we passed it on the way home, the park. Happily I managed to keep the Infanta to 5 trips down the slide, so we could get home and eat lunch.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Because you need a naked baby.
17 weeks
I haven't been posting anywhere near as much as I'd like because I've been wrestling with postpartum depression enhanced by the Infanta's continuing threenager neediness and Elessar's normal infant neediness. But Elessar is a happy, chunky baby, and you all deserve a dose of her cuteness to brighten your days too. :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Updates..
I envy moms who find the time to post frequently with more than one small child. Maybe it's me, maybe it's my particular kids; most likely it's a combination (I never have been great at regular posting).
Elessar has been a challenge, and I'm convinced she's made it her mission in life to make sure I know she's a different person from her sister. After a couple of weeks of hours of screaming, we figured out that she's sensitive to dairy. So I've had to give up my beloved cheese... Fortunately I can still have butter and goat cheese, so I'm not entirely bereft, but it's not been easy to revamp my menu to be dairy-free. Elessar is now a very happy baby, but we're in deep trouble - she rolled over at 4 weeks, and at 2 months she's been working hard on crawling for a couple of weeks now. I would not be surprised if she crawls before 6 months.
The Infanta has been very needy as well. She hasn't turned any anger against her sister (yet), but she's definitely in the fast lane to becoming a "threenager", alternating classic toddler tantrums with intense Mama-need and utter sweetness.
Between the two - Elessar with complete physical dependence and the Infanta with major emotional neediness - I'm stretched to my limit. Fortunately I do have a good outlet with my knitting group (I go to every session for my mental health!), and I have an AMAZING support network and community of friends both near and far. I had a very bad night a few days ago, and posted a call for help on Facebook; by morning an acquaintance was at my house, washing every dish in my kitchen, and calls and messages of support are still rolling in! I'm convinced this is part of what it means that "it takes a village to raise a child" - when they're this small, mothers need community help just to function as much as the children need to learn from others when they're older.
Elessar has been a challenge, and I'm convinced she's made it her mission in life to make sure I know she's a different person from her sister. After a couple of weeks of hours of screaming, we figured out that she's sensitive to dairy. So I've had to give up my beloved cheese... Fortunately I can still have butter and goat cheese, so I'm not entirely bereft, but it's not been easy to revamp my menu to be dairy-free. Elessar is now a very happy baby, but we're in deep trouble - she rolled over at 4 weeks, and at 2 months she's been working hard on crawling for a couple of weeks now. I would not be surprised if she crawls before 6 months.
The Infanta has been very needy as well. She hasn't turned any anger against her sister (yet), but she's definitely in the fast lane to becoming a "threenager", alternating classic toddler tantrums with intense Mama-need and utter sweetness.
Between the two - Elessar with complete physical dependence and the Infanta with major emotional neediness - I'm stretched to my limit. Fortunately I do have a good outlet with my knitting group (I go to every session for my mental health!), and I have an AMAZING support network and community of friends both near and far. I had a very bad night a few days ago, and posted a call for help on Facebook; by morning an acquaintance was at my house, washing every dish in my kitchen, and calls and messages of support are still rolling in! I'm convinced this is part of what it means that "it takes a village to raise a child" - when they're this small, mothers need community help just to function as much as the children need to learn from others when they're older.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Two weeks in..
I don't have time to post, but I thought y'all would like to know that Elessar arrived two weeks ago today, safe and sound, no complications. I want to write up her birth story soon, but here're the vital stats until then.
Elinor Lily, born December 17, 2010 at 1:44 am, weighing 7 pounds 6.5 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long. Things are going well, if very busy, juggling Elessar and the Infanta, but we haven't imploded... yet.
Elinor Lily, born December 17, 2010 at 1:44 am, weighing 7 pounds 6.5 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long. Things are going well, if very busy, juggling Elessar and the Infanta, but we haven't imploded... yet.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Weaning: A Bedtime Story
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful baby girl whom her mother called the Infanta. This little girl loved to nurse. From just moments after she was born, she nursed strongly and well, and she and her mother were fortunate to have none of the problems that so many other mothers and babies have. She loved nursing so much that she had no interest in grown-up food until after her first birthday, and her mother's milk nourished her perfectly.
As time went on, the little girl nursed less, although she never stopped wanting her mother's snuggly arms. Soon after the little girl turned two years old, she stopped nursing altogether; her mother was growing another baby, and had stopped making milk. This was sad for them both, and the Infanta continued to ask to nurse. Although her mother didn't let her nurse, she never stopped offering snuggles. The little girl wanted to be close with her mother, and so although she begged to nurse, she grudgingly accepted the snuggles in place of nursing.
One teary night, after the Infanta went to bed, the mother realized that she needed to figure out how to tell her little girl that she wouldn't get to nurse after the baby was born. So, she had a conversation with a dear friend, and decided to write this story. Nursing is special, and every mother and child who are able to even briefly form a unique bond because of it; but it's not something anyone can do forever. That bond never fades, though, and every mother's arms are always open to her children.
As time went on, the little girl nursed less, although she never stopped wanting her mother's snuggly arms. Soon after the little girl turned two years old, she stopped nursing altogether; her mother was growing another baby, and had stopped making milk. This was sad for them both, and the Infanta continued to ask to nurse. Although her mother didn't let her nurse, she never stopped offering snuggles. The little girl wanted to be close with her mother, and so although she begged to nurse, she grudgingly accepted the snuggles in place of nursing.
One teary night, after the Infanta went to bed, the mother realized that she needed to figure out how to tell her little girl that she wouldn't get to nurse after the baby was born. So, she had a conversation with a dear friend, and decided to write this story. Nursing is special, and every mother and child who are able to even briefly form a unique bond because of it; but it's not something anyone can do forever. That bond never fades, though, and every mother's arms are always open to her children.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Just a quick note..
For all of you who haven't given up on me completely:
32 weeks and counting! The Infanta was a reassuringly active baby; Elessar is a positive acrobat! When s/he's awake, I never know quite where I'm going to feel kicks/shoves/punches. S/he is, however, beginning to favor a head-down position, which is reassuring. My SPD is a pain in the arse - literally, as my sacrum is tending to be quite sore - but chiropractic care and knowing more about how to not make it worse is helping me to manage it.
A photographer friend and I went out this weekend and did a belly photo shoot. The few shots I saw were absolutely amazing, and as soon as she gets the disk of finished photos to me, I plan to post them, well, everywhere.
Part of the reason posting has been so scant in the last months is that the Infanta has hit 2.5 early and hard. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that, and to remember that her pattern her whole life has been that she hits her half-year disruptions early and hard, but once I did remember, it has made coping a lot easier. It's still difficult, especially as I'm feeling like a beached whale and mostly unable to move without pain, but at least I understand what's going on.
Edited to add: I know I'm not posting often, but I do tweet a fair amount. If you don't already track my twitterstream, I have a gadget that shows it over on the left.
32 weeks and counting! The Infanta was a reassuringly active baby; Elessar is a positive acrobat! When s/he's awake, I never know quite where I'm going to feel kicks/shoves/punches. S/he is, however, beginning to favor a head-down position, which is reassuring. My SPD is a pain in the arse - literally, as my sacrum is tending to be quite sore - but chiropractic care and knowing more about how to not make it worse is helping me to manage it.
A photographer friend and I went out this weekend and did a belly photo shoot. The few shots I saw were absolutely amazing, and as soon as she gets the disk of finished photos to me, I plan to post them, well, everywhere.
Part of the reason posting has been so scant in the last months is that the Infanta has hit 2.5 early and hard. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that, and to remember that her pattern her whole life has been that she hits her half-year disruptions early and hard, but once I did remember, it has made coping a lot easier. It's still difficult, especially as I'm feeling like a beached whale and mostly unable to move without pain, but at least I understand what's going on.
Edited to add: I know I'm not posting often, but I do tweet a fair amount. If you don't already track my twitterstream, I have a gadget that shows it over on the left.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Catching up
How has it been a month since my last post? Pregnancy, knitting, chasing toddlers, trying to get enough rest... it's pretty all-absorbing.
I've been working on a lot of baby knits - surprise, surprise. I've even finished a couple of things! I had a half-assed idea that I would take pictures of my FOs and WIPs, and possibly even a belly pic! but I'm tired and achy after OFFF yesterday. Also, it's raining.. and I'm having a great deal of trouble wanting to do anything but listen to the rain, work on baby knits, and watch TV.
The Infanta permitting, I'm planning to take and post those pictures this week.
I've been working on a lot of baby knits - surprise, surprise. I've even finished a couple of things! I had a half-assed idea that I would take pictures of my FOs and WIPs, and possibly even a belly pic! but I'm tired and achy after OFFF yesterday. Also, it's raining.. and I'm having a great deal of trouble wanting to do anything but listen to the rain, work on baby knits, and watch TV.
The Infanta permitting, I'm planning to take and post those pictures this week.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Not dead, just busy
Summer has been busy, with visits from family and friends, not to mention our own activities. Plus, there's the whole surviving the heat thing.
Goofy Girl is goofy.
22w 3d
But I figure that it's been six weeks since I posted, so I thought I'd put up a bump shot. Seriously folks, I look like I did at 34ish weeks with the Infanta! Elessar is doing fine; very squirmy, and with all the right parts. I'm not enjoying the summer part of this pregnancy, but it will pass, and I'm good with everything else - especially since I have a lovely chiropractor is working hard on reducing my pelvic pain!
And yes, it was cool enough this morning that I'm wearing a sweater and jeans.
Goofy Girl is goofy.
22w 3d
But I figure that it's been six weeks since I posted, so I thought I'd put up a bump shot. Seriously folks, I look like I did at 34ish weeks with the Infanta! Elessar is doing fine; very squirmy, and with all the right parts. I'm not enjoying the summer part of this pregnancy, but it will pass, and I'm good with everything else - especially since I have a lovely chiropractor is working hard on reducing my pelvic pain!
And yes, it was cool enough this morning that I'm wearing a sweater and jeans.
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